As I get ready to put my SkyMall series to bed, I couldn't resist taking a few shots at some fairly obvious targets.
The Slanket is a cousin of everyone's favorite target, The Snuggie. Now, normally, I wouldn't beat this dead horse, except this offers a "two-fer":
- The guy in the ghillie suit on the leather sofa looks like he'd be more comfortable in a tree stand.
- Slanket Siamese? "Siamese"? Really? Isn't that a little politically incorrect? Shouldn't it be a "Conjoined Comforter" or something like that?
I thought that this guy in the red dragon adult footie pajamas was about as goofy as a "man" could possibly look in them.
Then I went to the website and saw "Hobbes" in the tiger striped PJ's.
Per the ad copy, they are "The do anything, wear anywhere -- Footed Pajamas". While I'm certain that many of The People Of Walmart could use the full body coverage, please people, do not take that literally.
I beg you.
As I mentioned HERE and HERE, I flew out to Seattle over Christmas, and spent a little time in flipping thru the SkyMall catalog from the seat back pocket. And while I sat there in that tiny cramped seat, I wished I would feel like THIS GUY.
- I bet this would be good for Rubeus Hagrid.
- 6 cup holders?
- I bet Dr. Zibbs has one of these.
- Does that guy look like Edith Ann?
Cora's response? "You'd get beaten if you took that to a parade."
If you want to be the neighborhood @$$hat with the big chair, click HERE.
A group of college friends usually gets together for Christmas. This year, we couldn't find a good weekend before Christmas, so we got together last weekend, over the Martin Luther King weekend for dinner and drinks, and then a little football on Sunday.
The cast of characters isn't always exactly the same year to year, but there is one constant: This hasn't been the kindest of weekends to try to bring a rookie into.
- One year, one guy's date stole another guy's cell phone.
- Last year, there was the infamous "Juicebox Marie" incident (HERE).
And while she's not a newbie to the group, this is Cora's first Christmas party with them.
She needn't have worried. She sailed through un flying colors.
Saturday, Gwen had a friend come over, and Cora and I got dressed up and hopped on the "L" to meet up with everyone down @ Jeanine's condo in the Loop. When we got there, we arrived with Steve & Jeanie. Laura & Johnny B. were already there. Jeanine lives in a great building, just a few blocks from my office. And right by Miller's Pub, where we went to dinner.
We all laughed and had a good time. Especially Cora and Gwen!
Just a little B(.)(.)B honking between bloggers. (For those of you who are unaware, Gwen is the one who started me blogging, and is therefore the one responsible for my happy, happy life now.)
We headed around the corner to Miller's Pub, a classic Chicago eatery, filled with celebrity photos, and the charm of a day almost gone buy.
At the restaurant, "Z-Man" showed up with his new girlfriend. I will call her "Berkeley Barbie".
And I will call her girlfriends "mesmerizing".
Trying to be respectful of my wife and women everywhere was difficult when presented with those across the table from you. But I can imagine that life's a little hard for the girl that every other girl wants to hate, the instant she walks into the room. When you're 20 something, 6'1 , thin, built, blonde, and studying to be a doctor in Berkeley (Not UC Berkeley, I think it was "Joe's College of Medicine in Berkeley. I was distracted, okay!), life can be unfair.
A few fun facts she shared:
Leaving the subject of Barbie and B(.)(.)Bs behind, we had a great dinner filled with good conversation. Only one bit of food went airborne (and Johnny B. failed to catch it in his mouth). Steve told us about being on Dr. Oz, and how he might be back on, or on Weekend TODAY. And he's talking with MythBusters, but he doesn't have high hopes.
After dinner, we headed out into the freezing night to a new bar that just opened up a couple of blocks away.
Turns out, it was 9 blocks.
It was freezin' @$$ out there.
And there was a line to get into the bar.
So we dove into a bowling alley to warm up for a while. That's why I didn't use the flash on the picture above. I didn't want to flash any of the people bowling. (Barbie didn't seem to have that concern.) I had a diet Coke. Cora had a hot chocolate, and as everyone else planned the next destination on their bar tour, we hopped into a cab and went home, hugged our daughter, put her to bed, and crashed ourselves.
It was about 11:30. And I didn't feel old.
The next day, we met a bar called "Clutch" for brunch and to watch some football as the Bears and Seahawks squared off. The bar is an old gas station / garage with an industrial theme. And some R to NC17 rated bathrooms. We brought daughter Gwen to meet blogger Gwen. (It was decided that if she had to use the bathroom, it would have to be the Men's room, since while she would be embarrassed by all the pictures of B(.)(.)Bs on the walls and ceiling, she wouldn't be learning about "other topics" in the Women's room.
The food was pretty good. They had the thickest cut bacon <—that Johnny B. had ever seen. And despite what you may have heard, bigger isn't always better. Tasted like a gamey piece of ham steak, over cooked.
My burrito was good, everyone else seemed to enjoyed their food, too. And Johnny B. really seemed to love his breakfast burger (with the burger) and an egg, and two halves of a glazed donut for the bun.
We watched the first half of the football game, but decided to leave at half time. We needed to run some errands and get some groceries, and get back to the real world.
Then Jeanie gave Gwen a light up rubber ducky…
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN
Why American men should boycott American women
I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?
American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.
This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.
BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!
Yesterday, I got that spam comment from someone, stating how I should boycott American women. Having just married one, I just don't see that happening. I was hoping to delete the comment, like I normally do with spam, but too many people commented on it to remove it, and make all their comments seem out of context.
I'd thought about going off on the author. Ripping him up one side and down the other.
But I won't.
Sweeping generalizations and ignorance are best ignored, and left to crawl off to their own little, bitter corner of the blogverse.
I have many women followers. Some American. Others not. I prefer to judge them on their personalities (and occasionally, their B(.)(.)Bs).
I have a dream that one day we will live in a world where women will not be judged by their passport, but by the content of their character.
When I fly, I usually take the time to flip thru the Sky Mall catalogue. For those of you unfamiliar with the Sky Mall, it's really a catalogue of catalogues, with all kinds of crap you don't really need, covering the gamut from stainless steel wallets to keep people from reading the RFID chips in your credit cards to a cake mold for making an 8 inch cupcake.
The Remote Controlled Tarantula
Oh, man, a remote controlled tarantula would be AWESOME! To have it dart out from under the TV stand and scurry across the living room, would be EPIC!
But, there are a few kinks in that plan:
- It would be single use, since Cora would smash it into circuits and servos within seconds, and therefore, a waste of $30.
- My step daughter would smash ME into a pile of bloody pulp.
- I would be "stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I'd have to use the self-service pump" for the foreseeable future. [VIDEO]
And none of these would deter me nearly as much as this thought:
So, on my flight out to Seattle for the holidays, we sat on the runway for a while, personal electronics off and stowed. What's a guy to do? So, I grabbed the SkyMall catalogue out of the seatback pocket. Always good for a cheap laugh.
But this time, having been a little short on good material to feed Blogworld, I realized that this this was GOLD in my hands when I ran across this ad, and stopped dead.
The "Gravity Defyer" shoe.
is the "Slick Seed of Life"…
IT'S A SPERM!
Why? "Because it's cool!" That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing says "virile manhood" like a healthy little "slick seed of life", for the world to see, right there on the side panel of your shoe.
And you can even get them in dress styles. But those lack the logo on the side, so maybe you'll have to drive a red sports car instead.
Interested in knowing more about this product, check out this LINK.
This is not a paid product endorsement. I have never and will never use this product. Besides, at 6'5", I don't need to "appear taller", Napoleon.
The flight I take out to Seattle is the last one Southwest flies that day. Which means that any delay on any flight of any passenger connecting to that flight impacts it, since they can't bump the person to a later flight. Flight Tracker, an awesome little website that gives you all kinds of info on a flight, lists on-time departure ratings on a scale of 0-5. I checked before heading to the airport. It had a 0.6 rating. (It is now down to 0.2)
First, we had to wait for a crew change. Then we had to wait for delayed connections. Then we had to wait for de-icing. (I was more than fine with that.) I did make good use of my time sitting on the plane. I went to the Sky Mall. But that's a different post. I did make it out to Seattle while it was still technically my birthday, so I could spend a few minutes of it with my new wife.
Cora's mom has a great 3 BR apartment right by where we got married, (and like 3 blocks from ~E's house), and that was our base of operations while we were out there.
On the 23rd, Cora and I headed downtown to the Science Center (next to the Space Needle) to see the exhibit of Harry Potter props. For those of you scoring at home, this is the THIRD time I have seen this exhibit. I took Cora on her first visit to Chicago in May of '09 and went back when Gwen visited in August of '09. It was mostly the same, but with a few bits from the recent movie in there. The tickets were our Christmas gift from Cora's dad & step mom.
And just like at Disney, when you exit, you exit thru the gift shop. And we did a little shopping. Besides a T-shirt, we also got replicas of Snape's, Dumbledore's & Voldemort's wands. So watch it if you come hexing.
Later that day, we went out to eat for my birthday, since we couldn't do it on my birthday. We went to Marie Callender's. I know what you're thinking, "They server you microwave meals?" No, it's a real restaurant, not just frozen meals. Who would have thought? Well, besides Left-coasters. To me, you might as well be taking me to the Lean Cuisine Cafe.
The food was pretty darn tasty. I had the country fried steak and potatoes, followed by a piece of cheese cake with blueberries. (Cheese cake with cherries is my traditional birthday dessert.)
I mean Cora. The cheesecake wasn't too bad, either.
On Christmas Eve Day, we went over to Callista & Mad Dog's house for a bit. It's a charming ranch house, or if that's not what it's called out there, it's what it's called here. We hung out, had appetizers and desserts, chatted a fair bit, and I got to check out their collections:
M.D. has amazing Star Wars collection with a lot of cool Lego helmets and custom stormtrooper helmets. And a healthy collection of "steampunk" paraphernalia, too.
Callista, hiding behind some live bamboo growing out of her Vern Yip inspired coffee table, is a real charming hostess, with an extensive "Alice in Wonderland" collection of her own.
But let's face facts. We all knew who we were REALLY there to see. Moose, the wonder dog. Dashing in his smart looking sweater and green eyes, Moose and I became fast friends. I think he thought I would be a "soft touch" and feed him from my plate while no one was looking. He was mistaken.
Eventually, we made it back to base, and hung out with Cora's mom, bother, and his girlfriend, who were also staying there. While I have no photographic evidence to support this claim, Cora's bother did an impressive job assembling a massive pink doll house. While I have little experience with doll houses, this is the first one I ever saw with a toilet. My calls to put a Tootsie Roll in it as a floater went unheeded. I guess a 3.5 year old wouldn't find the humor anyway.
Christmas Day – Actually is a blur. Cora's sister, husband, and their 3 kids were over, making it for 10 souls. 12 if your count Kermit & Trevor, Gwen's frogs. I know that we opened a ton of presents, and ate a ton of food, and had a great time.
Boxing day. Two big things were happening that day. Make that 2 big things, and 2 other bits.
1 – Cora, her brother, his girlfriend and I went up to Belleview to see Tron: Legacy.
2 – We had to head to Cora's ex's and pick up Gwen!
3 – Oh, and we picked up a big bucket of KFC.
4 – Oh, and I saw a cool Dale Chihuly piece.
But not in that order. It went Tron, Chihuly, KFC, then Gwen.
It was sure good to get her back. Cora and I sure missed that little gal.
To be continued…
Terry Allen Lester of Waseca, Minnesota is accused of a "crime of passion". And of wearing a really bad mullet.
It appears that Terry had some bad breakups, and needed to teach at least one of the women a lesson.
So, Terry ALLEGEDLY filled a vibrator with gunpowder and buck shot, and left it as a Christmas present for his ex.
"Ho, ho, ho – You F*$# HO!"
(I was having issues imbedding the video, so in case it doesn't work: LINK)
It appears that Terry committed a few mistakes in his master plan:
- The bomb was poorly designed and wouldn't have worked.
- He bragged of his plot to people.
- He has a mullet.
Gizmodo lists another mistake, "For another thing, no ex-girlfriend in her right mind would accept a sex toy as a Christmas gift." But I think they are wrong. If she'd dated him and allowed him to have "the sex" with her in the first place, odds are she's not to discerning on what she uses to pleasure herself.
I like the part in the video where they interview the liquor store owner as a character witness. Oh, and it appears he had parts for 2 more. He was going out with a bang.
Hope you all have a happy Sunday. Women, you can uncross your legs now.
New Year and back at it. If you haven't been around hear for a while since you've been hanging with your own families and stuff, don't worry. There's probably only one post that over the holidays I would send you back to read, and that would be the RING one.
I came down with a hacking cough around the middle of the month, and it is still rattling around in the corner of my lungs when I breath hard. But that didn't stop me from going out with some friends to Twin Anchors for an early birthday ribfest. (Psst.. Try the new "Prohibition Sauce", it's great.) It was snowing nice and light that evening, making everything look kind of magical.
St. Michael's Church
On the 22nd, my birthday for those keeping score at home, I packed my bags, and after work, I headed to the airport to hop a flight to Seattle to join Cora. She went out in advance with Gwen, to drop Gwen off with her (Gwen's, duh) father for the first part of winter break.
While standing in line to get thru security (no, the TSA didn't give me a birthday grope), the agents at the scanner stopped the works, and ran a paperback book thru again.
And then hand searched.
And found a box cutter blade, a bit like THIS.
Yes, a deadly book mark. Happy holidays.
Well, as that family is pulled out of line in order for the rest of us to get thru the line, I was thinking more about my defense against a box cutter (leather coat, wrapped around arm as a shield, netbook battery as a club) than eyeing the Terrorist Family Robinson.
But I'm pretty sure they sat about 4 rows behind me on the plane.
So my sleeping plan failed. Epically.
But all that went **POOF** when Cora showed up at the airport looking like this:
Tune in next time for more thrilling adventures that will include Harry Potter, Marie Callender, and Mouse.
Yesterday, before going work, I was sitting at my desk, and Cora was sitting at least 12 feet from me, on the sofa, with her lap top.
I e-mailed her.
There was a picture I wanted to show her, and I didn't want her to have to get up and walk over.
And speaking of TRON:
By the way, the lesson I learned while watching "TRON: Legacy"? Be sure to back up and encrypt your personal data.
Oh, and the hottie running around in the tight leather suit? Quorra. Pronounced "Cora".