For The First Time In 44 Years…

For the first time in 44 years, I have a girlfriend on Valentine's Day.

For the 44th time in 44 years, I will be alone on Valentine's Day.

But don't cry too many tears for me.  My Valentine will be arriving next Friday.

I came close to having a girlfriend on Valentine's Day once, though.  I know that I've mentioned her before, but I didn't give her a cute name.  I think I'll call her, "The Teach".

The Teach and I had been dating for 6 months, and I was saving up for an engagement ring.  As we got closer to Valentine's Day, I search through catalogs for the perfect gift.  Hey, this was like, early '91.  The internet wasn't really a "thing" yet.

I decided on CHOCOLATE.

Teach got the present in the mail, and broke up with me on Feb. 6, just a week before Valentine's Day.  She claims the two things weren't connected.  To this day, I'm not sure I believe her.

Yeah.  As Milton Snavely Hershey as my witness, yes, I sent her a chocolate pig.

Well, we've come to the end of the road

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known. – A Tale of Two Cities.

Blogs are born.

Usually in obscurity.

Blogs die.

Sometimes they fade away.

Sometimes they say "Good-bye."

And sometimes they they are reborn.

Oh, not blog.  Relax.  You aren't getting rid of me THAT easy.  No, I'm talking about our good friend the iNDefatigable mjenks.  Tomorrow he's shutting down A Crown of Thistles where he has a tonne followers.  Where are you going to go for things getting all blown up on Tuesdays, too much information on Thursday, and your dose of Latin on Friday?

Don't look at me.  Look at him.

He's started up a new blog.  If you've been following him, but haven't made the switch, what are you waiting for?  And if you haven't been over to his place, you owe it to yourself to pay him a visit or two.

What's his new blog called?

I think he named it "Vital Beavis" or something like that.  It must be Latin for something.

So go over to his NEW BLOG and tell him "Hi".

My Lucky Day

(Picture from 'The Norm' comic)

Saturday I worked on sending out "Save The Date" emails for the upcoming wedding.

• I put together a graphic that looked like what we think invitations will look like.
• I composed a short short little bit of text.
• I added a photo of Cora and I.
• I assembled the email list into sets, and fired them off

And that is the instant Atë (Greek goddess of ruin, folly, delusion) stepped in and farted in my general direction and called me the son of a motherless goat.

Every email I sent out was garbled on the first try.  Sometimes on the second, too.

Don't believe me?  Check out some of the mangling:

Okay, this one's not so bad.  The water is green with envy.

But this is serious, you can mess with me, but don't touch my lady!

This next one only uploaded partially.  I guess it wanted to keep 'em guessing.

And this one wanted to make them read between the lines.

This one is a little shifty…

And I really hope this one didn't make people think we were having a rainbow themed wedding.

And before you ask, "Where's mine?"  It, ummmmm, must have gotten lost in the doggone internets must have Atë it.

Tips for the "Big Game"

Today is "Super Sunday" and here are just a few tips to help you enjoy the game better:

Call it "The Big Game" – Due to very stringent NFL licensing and trade mark rules, if you are not an official corporate sponsor, using "Super" and "Bowl" together will wind you in court faster than giving Charlie Sheen a monkey a bottle of tequila and a can of spray paint.

Do NOT call it "American Football" – Yes, we get that soccer is called "futball" in the rest of the world.  Get over it.  We let your girlie "futball" players kick field goals and look like sissies when they have to try to tackle a real "football" player, what more do you want?

If your team isn't in it, root for the Saints – I figure is New Orleans wins, Sass will be happy, and isn't that really all this life is about anyway?  Also, they would it give them something to talk about instead of the hurricane.  Seriously, people, that's old news.  Haitians are the new "IT" face of disaster.

The Who aren't going to flash their tit at you – If the only reason you have to watch the halftime show is to wait for that moment again, it isn't going to happen.  So, eyes left.  Now get over it.

Just thank whatever God or gods you worship that "Up With People" aren't doing this year's show.  And there's always the Lingerie Bowl VII over on the Pay-per-View.

Healthy snacks – Communist and French-esque people will try to convince you that you should "snack smart" during the game.  Hey, they can have their baby carrot sticks if they want, that just leaves more 'lil Smokies wrapped in bacon and covered in caramelized brown sugar for me.  Or as Gwen of EILCC calls them, "Fat Fat Sugar".

Don't miss the ads – While many of the  ads suck rocks or are too "high concept" to really work well, you won't want to miss what a lot of people will be talking about tomorrow.  So, to avoid missing part of the game or the commercials, I strongly urge you to run out to Walmart right now and pick up a package of Depends undergarments.

Hey, why should the incontinent get to watch the E*TRADE babies while you are in line for the pisser?  That's what I'm sayin'.

---

From the Onion Archives:

Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

By Lenny Gramsched
November 19, 1997 | Issue 32•16

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.

So, the other day, I was watching TV in the nursing home's rec room when one of those Depends commercials came on. You know, the ones with the happy-looking gray-haired couples riding bicycles. They seemed to really be enjoying the diapers, so, figuring it was worth a shot, I headed over to the local Walgreens and picked myself up a 12-pack.

(Click HERE for full story.)

And that's all I have to say about that.

I was going to tell you a tale about watching movies and hunting for wedding invitations.  About meeting with Cora's ex, and about having Olive Garden & Coldstone ice cream with her mother and her daughter.

But I'm not.

Or not today.

Here is all I want to say today…

'nuf said.

Family Time – Part 2

All right, I'm back. I'll shape up and fly right. 

As I started to say back HERE…

After the matinee and lunch, Gwen, Cora, and I went to view the wedding site again, and meet with the coordinator, Cassi.  As we talked to her about the general plan, we were in for a bit of a shock: it appears that we are getting about double the indoor space that we thought.  We had no idea we were getting the upper room for dining.

SCORE!

And unlike when we were there the first time, I didn't forget to take pictures.

Or video.

The place is gorgeous.  We aren't really going to have to decorate it all that much.  Why waste money on decorations, when no one will be able to take their eyes off my stunning bride?

And as always, Cora and I made some on the spot decisions with comfort and ease.  But every question we answered seemed to raise more detailed questions.  But those are even easier to tackle.  Mere details.  Focusing on the big picture.  And the wedding is just a detail.  An important detail, but a detail.

The big picture isn't GETTING married to Cora.
The big picture is BEING married to Cora.

After that meeting, we went back to Cora's house, where her mom joined us briefly for dinner.

We wrapped up the evening with the Gwen and I the sofa making a "Cora sammich" while watching Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean I & II.  Good flicks.  I hadn't seen them before.  Johnny Depp seemed to be having a lot of fun hamming it up.

Oh, and don't give me attitude about movies I haven't seen.  Do you know my bride-to-be has never seen the two greatest "House" movies of all time?  I am of course speaking of "Animal House" and "Road House".

Obviously, we both have some gaps in out cinematic resumes.

Family Time – Part 1

I awoke Friday in Seattle.  Snuggled up with my fiancée, and went back to sleep a little longer.  Then awoke again.  Re-snuggled.  Napped again.  Finally we got out of bed and had some breakfast.

Cora, her daughter Gwen, and I got ready, and were out the door, and made it to our first destination: Avatar-3D.

I don't know if you have heard of it, but it is a movie by the guy who directed Piranha Part Two: The Spawning.  It's a movie about how bad corporations are.  How bad humans are.  And how the love children of the Smurfs and Bushmen of the Kalahari.  The Bushmen get their tree house blown up by the bad corporate goons.  Since that was the obvious end of the movie, we got up and left.  What?  Huh?  The savages recovered, rallied, and achieved a victory that appeared unobtanium-able?  Man!  I didn't see THAT coming.

After the movie, we went to the Subway in the mall.  I had a foot long tuna sub.  Were you aware that tuna can have the "Asparagus Effect"?  Don't worry, it faded by Sunday.  But that first waft is always a surprise.

After lunch, we… to be continued, when I'm in a more serious mood.

Grumble grumble grumble

Stupid 4 hour flight taking me 2000 miles away from Cora.

Stupid 3 train "L" trip, plodding along, when I just want to get home.

Stupid gloves hiding from me.

Stupid 10 minute walk in the dark from the train station to my condo in 20 degree temps with no gloves.

Stupid empty condo, devoid of the life and love at her house.

Stupid cold, empty bed without her in it.

Stupid alarm clock waking me up without her snuggled up next to me.

Glorious shower sending cascades of water down on my head instead of dribbling off my chest.

Stupid razor blade, erasing the weekend's stubble.

…

Out Of Here – Be Back Monday

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Please watch the following video:

Alrighty then, what's wrong with that commercial?

• An attractive girl working the Taco Bell register?
• An attractive girl calls over equally attractive girl working same shift at Taco Bell?
• The rapport between the workers and the customers?

Now, this may shock you, but I do hit Taco Bell about once or twice a month.  At the one I go to for lunch, the hag who works the counter looks similar to the picture on the left.  And she trusts the customers so much that she uses that one special marker to test them.

Oh no, not just the $20's like most stores do.

Nope, not just the $10's too.

SHE TESTS THE $5's!?!?!?  Like there is a wave of $5 bill counterfeiters buying 5 layer burritos.  I've seen her think about marking $1's.

Would You Rather?

The other day, I posted on my sidebar the following question from the board game, 'Would You Rather' (this is NOT a paid endorsement.)

The question was:  Would you rather…

Spend your entire life in a room with no windows?	2 (16%)
Spend your entire life in a glass room where everyone could watch your every move?	10 (83%)

Seems like 10 of you would want to have everyone watch you poop.  I and one other right thinking person chose the room with no windows.  Strategic use of webcams would let me see out without everyone seeing in.

As you may or may not have noticed, there's a new question up.

Would you rather…

Have a snowball fight against a pro baseball pitcher?
Play dodge ball against a pro quarterback?

No headshots, but going for the goolies is TOTALLY allowed.

I'm going dodge ball.

---

Oh, I know I have been angling to get hits from Liechtenstein & Luxembourg a lot recently, so I will lay off for a while.  I would feel a little bad about it, BUT IT TOTALLY WORKED!  I GOT A HIT FROM LUXEMBOURG YESTERDAY!

Sorry Sass, I lied to you…

About a year ago, Sass & I were talking and I said, "I won't put ads on my blog until I get like 100 followers."  Well, Sass, thanks to you, and your call out, I went over 100 the other day, but still am running ad free.

The other day, I went over 100 followers.  I'm now @ 106.  That blows me away.  Oh, sure, a couple people are double counted, and a good number of the followers are no longer active.  But still…

106!

I am honestly amazed and honored that each of you comes over here whenever you do.  Thank you very much.  These are the 8 people who pushed me over the brink:

jenn @ Perspective Required	Jane226
Momma @ MommaKiss	Tara
Melinda Arnold @ Melinda Arnold	Stephanie @ Happiness Is...Jesse
M.I.S.	Beth Sudlow

A special shout to M.I.S. (whoever you are, I tried to find you, but your avatar doesn't have a link) who was my 100th.  And a "Hey" to Beth Sudlow, a close friend of mine for +20 years.

---

The Liechtenstein & Luxembourg chronicles continue.  Since I last posted about them HERE, I still have gotten a hit from either of these countries.  But I did get my second hit from Malta.  Go figure.

I was thinking, "You know, a lot of people might not know much about these countries".  So here is a little info for you.  Hey, mjenks isn't the only one who can edumacate ya.

Liechtenstein is a "principality" ruled by a prince.  Luxembourg is a "grand duchy" ruled by a grand duke, not a 'grand douche' like 'The Situation' from the 'Jersey Shore' show.

Liechtenstein & Luxembourg are both 'land locked'.  This should not be confused with myself & Cora being "lip locked'.

Liechtenstein's unofficial motto is "Meat in the Switzerland / Austria sammich."  Luxembourg's unofficial motto is "No, we aren't Belgians."

Liechtenstein is located totally in the mountains.  Like West Virginia.  And in a strange coincidence, Liechtenstein is the largest PRODUCER of false teeth in the world, a product much in demand in West Virginia. Luxembourg's largest export is T-shirts with the phrase "De-Luxembourg!" emblazoned on the front.

I Had A Dream*

He woke up in a panic @ 4:30 am.

He'd had one of THOSE dreams again.

Terrified, he slowly checked.

Whew!  All clear.

Thinking back on the dream…

They were after him.  He was trying to evade them.

Who? He didn't know.  Why?  He had specific idea.

He was trapped in a basement.  He had to escape.

He wasn't wearing any pants. (Was this is why he was evasive?)

And he had to pee.  Really, REALLY badly.

So he did.  Just started peeing on the basement floor.  And he kept peeing for 5 dream minutes while moving about, plotting his escape.  It was the pee of breaking the seal after being on a bender.  So forceful it stung pleasantly as it erupted out relieving the enormous pressure on the bladder wall.

Filling buckets like a lemonade firehose.

Splashing on the floor.

It was a glorious pee.  Good thing he wasn't wearing any pant (a recurring motif in his dreams.  Shirt? Yes.  Pants? Nope.  Junk dangling in the breeze.)  Wouldn't be able to pee and move with those around his ankles.

Whew, he was relieved to find that he had only relieved himself in the dream.

So far…

And not surprisingly, he got up and peed before going back to sleep.

---

Have you ever had the "peeing dream"?

* Please note, this really has nothing to do with Martin Luther King, but with an actual dream on Tuesday night.

What the "L" is going on?

I still have not gotten hits from Liechtenstein or Luxembourg.

Come on Liechtenstein & Luxembourg! You guys are dead last in the "European Countries That Start With 'L' Visiting Scope-Tech" race.  I've gotten 8 hits from Latvia and 6 from Lithuania!

We all know your mottos:
- Liechtenstein: For God, Prince and Fatherland
- Luxembourg: We want to remain what we are

Those are two proud mottos to live by.  Though, seriously, Luxie (Can I call you "Luxie"?), you are dangerously close to Popeye's "I yam what I yam."

---

Since this is my second "naval gazing" post in a week, I thought I would look to see how people were finding me.  I cherry picked a few of the 100 or so Google searches that have brought people to my blog in the last month.  They are ranked in order most to least common.

BOLD BLUE TEXT = Search / ITALIC TEXT = My Comment

sexy statues – Variations of this were very common.  I only did one post about Marc Sijan around a year ago, and this remains my #1.

love letters by cora scope – This made me smile.

mammaries, italian food and my little pony – There were about 4 variations of this. But one of these things is not like the others.

women are the root of all evil – Ah, I loved THIS post.

elephant sit n spin – Man, I don't want to see this.  I'm thinking it's a porn term.

i'm gonna hang my balls on the christmas tree – How you gonna do THAT?!?  And is it gonna hurt?

massive mammaries blogspot – Looking for my B( . )( . )Bs post?

needle in my testicles pictures – Oh, so that's how you are going to hang them on the Christmas tree.

nice ass – Thanks!

peeing santa yard decoration – My mom would be so proud of THIS.

scope keeps shooting to the left – You saying I'm not hung right?

scope-tech the proposal – People looking for THIS VIDEO?

sexy cora sandwich – No!  While she has great buns, there will be no Cora sandwich.

she s 16 years old as an alien thats ,my daghter brian shes an alien if she s sneak out i put camara over everywere you have to protect that one on laptop thats urs now that one over there loves me wow - Seriously? I have no idea what this means or how this would get you to my blog, but "wow" is the word.

show my balls – No thanks.

sweet action on my balls – No comment.

Tech Tuesday - An Incandescent Truth

The other day, I was reading about a lawsuit that shows the perils of mucking with things in the name of being "green".

The tragic bit – Person A died when Person B ran a stop sign and T-Boned them.  It had been snowing, and snow had obscured the red light but part of the left turn arrow was showing, so B thought they had the green light.  [I could look this up and give you the facts, and a link and all that, but seriously, would you read it?  No.  So let's both pretend I did the leg work.  If you really care, I read the story in the Chicago Tribune.

See, it turns out, that to save some money on electricity, the city replace the horribly inefficient incandescent bulbs in the street lights with the energy efficient LEDs.  And they don't plan to switch back, because the new bulbs last longer* and cost so much less to operate.

You know how those incandescent bulbs waste electricity, right?  By generating HEAT instead of producing LIGHT.  Heat that, for argument's sake, would melt snow that blew on them.

Oops.  Hadn't thought of that.

And that got me thinking.  With the incandescent bulb taking the place of baby seal clubbers on the environmentalists hit list, what else isn't going to work right?

4 – The Creepy Crawlers Bug Maker Oven

Most of you don't remember this toy.  You had goo that you put in a tray and turned it into bug and worms.  My nephew had one.  I think it was just a boy version of the next toy.

3 – The Easy Bake Oven

How long do you think it will take to bake your miniature morsels now on the bluish glow of that CFL bulb, little Missy?

Might as well start using mommy's blow dryer.

2 – The Lava Lamp

Ah, mesmerizing mass of molten material, your days are numbered, too.  Those fake "glitter lamps" are just not up to the job.

For the lava lamp to live on, they may need to separate the heating element from the light source.

I suggest LASERS!

 

 

1 – The Bright Idea

Sorry, bright idea.  You are doomed.  The glowing incandescent bulb that signals the instantaneous flash of inspiration will be no more.

Nope, it will be replaced by a dim glow that slowly warms up to full understanding.  Eventually.

 

 

* Please note, that while wrote this, TWO incandescent recessed lights in my ceiling burned out.  Off to Home Despot to get some CFLs.