Awards / Follower / Blogworld

Hey all.

First off, sorry I have been a little late acknowledging the awards I've picked up, and my new followers.  Blog got a little away from me between Thanksgiving and New Year's.  Little time to write, and when I did, had some time sensitive stuff to get out.

But now, with the Martin Luther King weekend marking the last holiday I have off until Memorial Day, I thought I would tackle this long overdo post.

AWARDS

The first award to go on the shelf is from Joshua @ The Technical Parent.  Way back HERE he gave me the "I Should Have Been A Stripper Award."

The rules are:

1) Posting the award.

2) Listing 7 personality traits (as evidenced on the blog)

No	Trait
1	Creative – How many posts do you have about flying monkeys?
2	Checkbook Activism – My blog raised $50 for breast cancer.
3	Friendly – I find it a little shocking and humbling how many bloggers I consider real and genuine friends.
4	Cora-nated – Can you tell from this blog that I am engaged to Cora?  :-)
5	OCD – I schedule virtually all my posts for 6:30 am.  Not sure why, but I just do.  (That said, this one didn't post at that time.  Murphy strikes again!)
6	Scattershot – One day you may get a post about the wheel falling off on my car.  Another day you may get a story detailing my further journeys with Cora.  And then you may get (NSFW)THIS.
7	Grateful – You readers are the reason I do this.  And I do try to take time out to thank you every once in a while, like today.

3) Pass it on to 7 others.

No	Blogger
1	Cora @ Love Letters By Cora.  People, we met because of a STRIPPER POLE for goodness sakes.
2	Gwen @ Everything I Like Causes Cancer who won B(.)(.)Bs in a radio contest.
3	Sass @ Are You Sassified who has been mistaken for an exotic dancer by teenage boys.
4	Sassy Britches @ Well okay, Sassy Britches! for her tale of visiting a strip club.
5	~E @ *E* Deconstructed for her tale of visiting a strip club.
6	Jan @ Struck By Serendipity had her own "Playboy issue".
7	Lisa @ The Butterfly Farmer (Because she hasn't posted in 3 months, and I miss her)

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KaLynn @ Kacklin' With KaLynn also gave me her KaLynn Kackled Award way back HERE.
 

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JenJen @ Jen's Voices also gave me her "FROG" Award. (Friend+Blog= Frogs)

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Soda and Candy @ Soda and Candy Stories gave this Christmas (Soda &) Candy Award to all who played in her Mad Blog VII game.

 

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FOLLOWERS

This can't be right.  I am SOOOOO sorry I've let this get so far behind (and if I miss anybody, I am even more sorry.)  According to Blogger, since I last thanked my new followers, I've added a ton of new followers.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit @ The Bewildered Brit	Occula @ underneath the bunker
barbalutes17	Caffeinated Bliss @ Caffeinated Bliss
Moooooog35 @ Midget Man Of Steel	UberGrumpy
Bagel Boy	KaLynn @ Kacklin' with KaLynn
Callista @ Down the Rabbit Hole	Savvy @ You're Such a Drama Queen
Tami G @ Every day in gray...	JenJen @ Jen's Voices
momcat @ Truth is stranger than fiction	A Mom on Spin @ ...A Mom on Spin. .
BeckEye @ The Pop Eye	Leah Rubin
ahyduk	Zen Mama

Oh, and as I write this, I sit at 99 LISTED followers.  Who will be number 100?  (I know there are people who read but are not listed in the "Followers" widget."

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BLOGWORLD

Would You Rather? – I got this game for Christmas and have posted a "Would You Rather" question on my sidebar. 

Would you rather…

Spend your entire life in a room with no windows?

-- or --

Spend your entire line in a glass room where everyone could watch your every move?

Right now, letting strangers watch you poop is winning 80%/20%.  There's still a couple of hours left to vote.

I like this and think I will continue this.  So, sorry you Google Reader folks, you may have to actually visit the blog every once in a while.

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Blog Banners – Yes, I change them more frequently than most people change the filter in their Britta pitchers.  I like to mix them up.  I get bored sometimes, and start messing around in Photoshop, and the next thing you know…

What do you think?
Do you have a favorite that you haven't seen in a while?

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Wedding Bell Blogs – To those who have asked, Cora & I have discussed it, and we will both be keeping our separate blogs after the wedding.  I suspect that while the BLOGGING MATERIAL for each of us will increase as we blend and adjust and live and laugh and learn, the BLOGGING TIME may be reduced.

 

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Making News, Mac News

So, I'm reading the Mac News, the semi-annual news letter from my college, that I got in the mail the other day.  What do I see in the corner of page 10?

  ZOOOOOM!

Well I'll be dipped.  They printed one of the administrators blog entries about homecoming, and Cora and I were included.

Hey! Facebook!

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"Eric Collins is participating in Retro Week. Change your profile pic to an old picture of yourself and cut and paste this into your status. Let's see how cute/cool/out of touch we all were. C'mon! You probably weren't as cute as I was but it'll be fun anyway!"

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You want retro.

You should know better than to dare me.

Talking Tiki & Travel

Where did I leave off?  Oh yeah:

• January 2nd.
• Cora's here.
• It's freezing wicked cold

We spent the day relaxing.  We drove (did I mention it was wickedly cold out?) to the Lincoln Square shopping center area.  We looked at wedding rings.  I saw a very cool one that was actually 3 rings hinged together so they made a "OOO" kind of thing when you spread them apart.  And explained to a 20-Something what a "blog" was.  Weird.

Cora and I hit a few more stores, including Quake.  And if you're wondering, yes, the guy remembers us.

  As the evening dawned (WTF?) we headed for the Drysdale's.  Grant Miller was hosting his gala award ceremony at the Hala Kahiki Lounge.  Luckily, it was really just down the road about 15 minutes.

Cora and I got there a little before everybody else.  I had a Mai Tai.  Not it that glass.  That's from Bob Chinn's.  And I must tell the folks at Hala Kahiki, keep practicing.  Cora had a hot chocolate to warm her up.  And maybe a smooch or two.  That helped us get our blood pumping.

 

Eventually, the rest of the crowd showed up and we got a table.  I, too, forgot to pull out my camera.  Epic fail.

Another epic fail?  Cora and I didn't realize that the Hala Kahiki Lounge doesn't serve food.  Sure, there were pretzels on the table, but seriously?  After a few hours, hunger took over, and Cora and I drove off into the tundra in search of food.  Unfortunately, every time I tried to turn toward my place, the left turn was denied.  Eventually, we ended up all the way down at the Denny's down by Maywood Park Race Track.

And that's when I realized that I left my scarf back at the bar.  D'oh!

For being about the only people at the Denny's at 11:30 in the morning off season for the race track, I had to hunt down our waiter to get our bill.  Then it was back to the bar, where no one even realized that my scarf was still on the chair.

Sunday was a sad day.  But one good thing happened on the way down to state:  My car hit "44444".  I would try to tell you that I pulled over to take this picture, but as you can see, I was doing 65 mph at the time.  But that wasn't the only interesting car bit to happen.  As we followed my parents out looking for an antique mall, a cop pulled in between my dad's van and my car.  Light's flashing, dad got pulled over.  Cora and I pulled into a parking lot up the street while the cop wrote him a ticket.

Moral of the story:  If you move, be sure to contact the state to get your plates renewed.  They don't forward that stuff.

His plates were 2 years out of date.  $75 fine and he had to get a new sticker.  Turns out, he came out ahead on the deal.

But then something sad happened.  No, not the pink liner of Cora's coat, silly.  Dropping her off at the airport.  We smooched in the car for about 45 minutes, but then it was time to get her bags checked.  The line at the SkyCap was about 300 people shorter than inside, so we braved the cold.

Once again, smooching to stay warm.

Eventually, though, it was time to say, "See you at the end of the month" at the entrance to the security lines, where she disappeared into the throng.  She would fade in/out of view, but finally it was fade out.

And she was gone.

But guess what? 

New Year's State Of Mind

New Year's Eve Day, Cora and I woke up at the crack of 10:00 and ran out to run a few errands in preparation for having some folks over later in the day.

Our first destination was Target.  We needed to pick up a few items, and also there's also a nice view of down town from the top of the parking garage.  But, it was overcast and you couldn't see down town.  (**FAIL**).

But we did a little shopping, and saw something very confusing:

Seriously?  It was December 31!  And 8 racks of swimsuits?  Really?

After getting home from shopping, doing a little cleaning, and party prep, some friends / neighbors came over.  People came.  People left.  Glasses were filled.  Glasses were emptied.  One glass met an ignoble end.  We played a little with the "Would You Rather…" cards.  Played a lot of 80's music on the cable TV.

Cora & I counted down to midnight.

And we share the first of many, many New Year's kiss.

We were having such a good time, that I only managed to take this one picture of my co-worker and her husband.  People left around 2:00 and we crashed out around 2:30.

On New Year's Day, we went back to the target rooftop and got some good shots.

It was then time to head downtown for a little shopping.  The sole on one of my pair of work shoes blew out, and Nordstrom's was having a sale.  (I saved about $50 on the shoes.)  Kitty-Korner from Nordstrom's is P.F. Chang's.  It is one of my favorite restaurants, and Cora had never been.

And I was Jonsing for some of their lettuce wraps and Mongolian beef.

The funniest part?  My fortune cookie fortune.  Seriously?  That's my fortune?  Here I am, sitting in a nice restaurant, sharing a nice meal on a very domestic day with my fabo fiancée and I get "The love of your life will appear in front of you unexpectedly!"

So, I played Peek-A-Boo!

And I couldn't let this blog title go without hitting you with my absolute favorite Billy Joel song. 

(And I have never even been to New York City.)

Well, She Got Here…

After a nice, quiet, relaxing Christmas, I got home Sunday night with the realization that Cora would be arriving on Wednesday evening.

My condo was a wreck.

Laundry needed done.

Groceries needed shopping for.

A New Year's party needed shopping for.

Some of that got done.  Some of it didn't.  Some got sacrificed for blogging.  Some of it got sacrificed for talking to Cora on the phone at night.

And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Wednesday arrived, and eventually, so did Cora.  Before I left work, I knew that her plane was going to be delayed.   I got tot the airport about 8:00 for the estimated 8:30 arrival.  And I stood and watched the arrivals board.  (There's no place to sit outside of security @ Midway.) Finally, the board changed to "In Range" and then to "Arrived"!

So where was she?

Tick, tick, tick?  Where is she?  Did she get past me and head to the luggage pickup area?  I went down and checked.  Nope.  As I headed up, I panicked and then thought, "did she head down the escalator as I was coming up?"  Yeah, I'm a geek like that.  Finally she came bounding down the security lane.  She was glowing.  Absolutely radiant.  As you can see from the picture.  Well, actually, I had the camera on "fireworks mode".  Ooops.

It took forever for her bags to be unloaded.  We passed the time smooching.  Yeah, we're that couple at the airport, get over it. Finally her bags arrived.  We figure that the delay was to sorting out the bags of the people on the connecting flights, and getting them on their way first.

When we got home, it was time to celebrate my birthday and Christmas.  (No, not that way, ya pervs!)  As you can see, she brought plenty of gifts.  But the only gift I really wanted was to spend time with my fabo fiancée.  And that we did.

Sitting on the floor.

In the glow of the Christmas tree.

Unwrapping our presents. (Once again, PERVS!)

But, with the delays and Christmas, and all, it was time to go to bed.  (Okay, now you can snicker.)

This was going to be the start of a great weekend.

A Birthday Card

  With today being Dr. Zibb's birthday, I thought I would tell the tale of a birthday card I recently sent to another blogger.

Now, no names will be used, but this blogger has somewhat lapsed on their blog.  I think we lost them to Facebook.  (Confession, while I love Facebook, and many of you are my friends on there, too, I love cracking wise on status updates.  I don't play any of the games, or pass around too many drinks, etc.)

I frequently see Mafia Wars updates or that they poached too much fish in Café World.  (Yes I do wonder if you can also poach fish in Mafia Wars.)  Another bonus is the weird friend suggestions Facebook puts together using her.  As a data guy, I love looking at the Facebook Diamonds and seeing how two random people connect me to a third.

So, in early December, I was walking through a small little shop in Lincoln Square called The Urban General Store, and I saw this card.

I knew I had to buy it to send to my friend on their birthday, regardless of the fact that I had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA when their birthday actually was.

Less than a week after buying the card, they updating their Facebook status stating that they had gotten an early birthday wish from their father.  Their birthday was coming up?  Score!  (Note, this is the kind of thing that happens to me so often, it's funny.  It's one of the reasons I believe in God and say that my God has a wonderful sense of humor.  There's random chance, and there's "I've been noticing this shit for 40 years, even an idiot can see a pattern after 40* years.)

So, after getting their address, I sent my dear friend this card.  I hope it made their day.  And hope they had a happy birthday.

Miss you on this side of the wall.

* Yes, I know I'm 44, but for the first 4 years, I probably wasn't all that observant.

Back To The Real World

Man, has it ever been a long time since I posted anything about "real life" on this here blog.  Hope you all enjoyed the Christmas / New Years stuff I was dishing out, but now I have some stories I want to tell, but need to get some stuff handled first.

Birthday – Went out with some co-workers after work on the 22nd for a few drinks.  It was a good time.  Didn't get too drunk.  Ate some mini burgers.  Got home.  Called Cora.  Good times.

Christmas – This year, I did something a little crazy, and wrapped all of my Christmas presents BEFORE heading down stat to my parent's house.  After the previous year's mess of people constantly entering the room I was wrapping in, it seemed like a wise move.

I actually headed out on the roughly 3 hour drive on the 23rd after work.  I took the 24th off.  (Had I known people were going to get out at 12:00…)  Anyway, we are a "Christmas Eve" family for the whole present deal.  So, Christmas Eve started with us visiting my niece's new house, which is my sister (her mother's) old house, to see what she'd done with it.  After that, we went to my sister's new house to check it out and do this little family photo.

Back row:  My SIL, Amy, my brother, Tim, me (looking grumpy, WTF?), TJ (Hayley's boyfriend and co-owner of the house but not fiancée), and my niece, Hayley.

Middle row:  Jenny (Adam's girlfriend), my BIL Doug, Dad, Mom.

Front row: Nephew Adam, sister Karin, and Tim's son Max.

After snacks and checking out the new joint, we headed up the road 15 miles or so to Mom & Dad's to open presents and dinner.

Dinner was very good, with ham and Italian beef sandwiches, stuffing, and other stuff.  Unless you are Max, then it was a peanut butter sandwich (Reese's peanut butter, brought specially by your parents, on Wonder Bread (brought specially by your parents), with the crusts trimmed off.  <rant> Ok, he's 10.5!  I know you lost the battle of wills with him a while ago, but he needs to eat real food every once-in-a-while! </rant>

After dinner, it was down to the basement to unwrap presents.  Down there, I saw the gum drop snowman ornament.  I lived much of my life in fear that I made this butt-ugly little creature, and that my mom kept putting it on the tree to make me feel "special."  I asked her about it, and it turns out, she bought it at a craft fair when we were kids.  (*whew*)

Among the things I scored were some work shirts, the latest Dune book, and some Restaurants.com gift cards.  Sweet.

Christmas day is always a little low key.  With the gift giving done, everyone enjoys a good sleep, and then off to my sister's house for lunch / dinner.  Besides watching sports on TV, one of the big traditions is putting together a jigsaw puzzle.  Karin had a nice one with hand drawn wine bottles and cork screws.

The day after Christmas, while his wife Amy and her mom went out shopping, Tim and Max came to Mom & Dad's for the day / night.  Max played his new "Bop-It" game, and put together one of the Lego sets that I gave him.

But, the next day was Sunday, and time to trek home, and time to start getting ready for Cora's visit for New Year's!

Oh, and here's a real picture of the fam.

New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year!  Yeah, I know I really need to cover the holidays and Cora's visit and all, but I thought first it would be a good idea to get my New Year's Resolutions out there.  Why?  Should be an easy post, that's why.

I'm not going to do the easy ones about losing weight, eating better, or saving money.  Due to certain circumstance (marrying Cora in July), I'm certain I will be eating more and better meals at home, saving me.  Money and weight.  So those are taking care of.

Resolution 1 – The Land Of Misfit Toys

It has always slightly bugged me that the $2 bill, the $1 coin, and the 50¢ piece were effectively unused.  Circulating currency should circulate.  I plan on using them in everyday situations.  In fact, my first use of them was to give a pile of them to Grant Miller to cover my drinks Saturday night at the Drysdale Awards.  Since then, I have used them as tips and to pay for my parking at Midway when I dropped off Cora.  Still haven't broken into the coins yet.

That should be fun.

Resolution 2 – Strive To Be The Man

I firmly resolve to strive to be the fiancée/husband and "bonus dad" that Cora and her daughter deserve.  There's no way I can be what they deserve, but that  doesn't mean I shouldn't strive every day to be worthy of the love, faith and trust of these two fabulous women.

Resolution 3 – Claim My Fart

Whether literally accepting havoc wrought when the "unholy ghost" is unleashed, or figuratively by accepting the consequences of my errors (airs?), I resolve to claim my farts.

Hey, God…

Wrong Brittany!

Murphy	vs	Spears

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On a serious note, some time in the last couple of months, I was watching a SyFy channel movie called "MegaFault".  Eriq La Salle was in it.  As I watched, I stared at the woman playing the lead scientist.  I actually said out loud to no one in particular, because I was alone and all, "Man, that looks like an ATE UP Brittany Murphy."  I then looked up the movie and realized that it WAS her.

Too bad.  I always thought she looked a little dirty*.  In a "fallen prom queen" sort of way.

Not like that's a BAD thing.

* Please note that I'm not saying was a "dirty girl." Since she managed, to the best of my knowledge, to stay out of the tabloid's glare in an era where even the assistant visual effects coordinator on the Chipmunks movie has their own paparazzi, that's something.  Not hearing her name in with the likes of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton seems to tell me that she wasn't.

Happy New Year 2010

2009 – I'll miss ya.

2010 – I'm looking forward to ya.

This is going to be the best New Year's Eve since THIS one.

Remember your designated drivers or cabbies tonight people.  It's not called "amateur night" for nuttin'

- Eric

(But, do you wonder what the novelty eyeglass people are going to do in 2011 when there aren't two "0"s to use for the eyes?)

2009 S.T.A.R. Awards – Part III

This is the final post of the SCOPE-TECH S.T.A.R. Awards trilogy.  (PART I & PART II).  It has been fun recognizing those of you out in Blog-World who have been part of this amazing year in my life.

AWARD	WINNER
	Like many awards this year, there are multiple winners: Jen of Jen's Voices wins the traditional "Rookie of the Year" Award.  She started her blog this year, and is really starting to find blogging voice. But, I would be remiss if I didn't also give the award to Whiskey Marie of the eponymously named blog Whiskey Marie.  Her rookie appearance at the Mac Christmas Party is now LEGENDARY.
	These guys never disappoint.  If you are looking for someone to take the comments into the gutter, these two guys will step up and help. SkylersDad of Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps Moooooog35 of Mental Poo (And this is the one award that I am also overqualified to win.)
	This award goes to the one and only God of The Other Side of Normal. Dude, sometimes that icon bumps other icons off their apps and takes over like Kanye West. And it haunts my dreams. And I think it eats the Jell-O pudding out of the fridge, too.  (That's not a euphemism, but it could be.)
	So far, the list of winners has had a distinctly "North American" feel.  Blogging pretty much erases boundaries, so what better way to celebrate that then by drawing them back in again? Wait, huh? Anyway, for his ability to turn a simple commute into a riveting tale, Mo at Mo "Mad Dog" Stoneskin is the SCOPE-TECH International Blogger of the Year.
	Unlike the Grammys, we don't try split hairs with crap like "Album of the Year" vs. "Record of the Year".  We have one musical award, and it goes to Cowguy at Sawdust and Cowpies. The album is by his band, Keota, and the CD is "Saluté".  "Is it any good?" you wonder.  I bought a copy for me, and bought a copy for my parents for Christmas. But seriously, Cowguy, next year I'm looking for "A Very Keota Kristmas"
	While I occasionally dabble in creative blogging, this blogger is full time game on.  Whether it's the Blogisferia Chronicles, Original Drafts, Mad Blogs, Literal Sketches, etc. this blogger is always coming up with new and interesting ideas. The winner of the SCOPE-TECH Creative Blogger of the Year is Soda and Candy at soda and candy stories
	This year's O.B.A.M.A. award goes to a very good friend of mine.  She's no "soccer mom" but she is a "shocker mom."  (Her daughter's softball team was call "The Southside Shockers".)  A lady who is not afraid to tell you what she wants.  On Thursday. Sass at Are You Sassified? is definitely deserves the One Bad Ass Mother Award.  (Even though she has a really nice ass.  I'm just saying.) ||_|
	And last but not least, the final award is for the engine that keeps this little machine humming. You. Yes you.  Whoever you are.  Where ever you are.  By reading (and occasionally commenting on) this blog, you helped fuel it, gave it life.  And it has given me a greater gift than I could imagine. So, whether you've been here since the beginning, or just stumbled across me looking for microscope technology, if you've read this far, you are a SUPERSTAR!

Well, that about wraps up the awards for the year.  I will be jumping back to the real world soon.  Gotta get crackin'!  My fiancée will be arriving in about 36 hours and I need to get some work done around the joint.

If I don't talk to you much before then, have a happy and safe-ish New Year's Eve, and all the best to you in 2010.

2009 S.T.A.R. Awards – Part II

  This year's S.T.A.R. awards kicked off about a week ago with THIS POST.  As we prepare to present another batch of awards, we'd like to take this opportunity to thank all of you reading this post for inspiring a wondrous year in blog-world and the real world.

Without further ado, let's get on to the awards…

AWARD	WINNER/S
	The winner of this award is J.J. in L.A.  While J.J. won this award for many, many reasons,  none of them really have anything to do with her being in a wheelchair.  There were the harrowing tales of her trying to renew her driver's license.  Then there were every other single post that helped earn her the title.
	Back in October, I ran a B(.)(.)B charity drive to raise money to fight breast cancer. I want to thank all those who participated: JenJen of Jen's Voices Angela of She's a Super Chick A Super Chick... She's super SCRAPPY.. YEOW! Cora of Love Letters By Cora ~E of ~E Deconstructed Sassy Britches of Well okay, Sassy Britches! Rachel of Lessons Learned Sass, of Are You Sassified La Pixie of Pixie Dusted Tiffany of Opening the Shell Skylersdad of Some days it's not worth chewing through the leather straps And there was also an anonymous entry that must also be mentioned.
	This year, there were 3 women in my blogging circle who won this award.  While not nearly as sharp as the ice they are now sporting, here's a little additional bling. And the winners are: Candy of Candy's daily Dandy Cora of Love Letters By Cora Nikki of This Genius Is Insane A trio of more engaging bloggers it would be hard to find.
	She stole my heart this year, and while she has won two other group awards in this round of presentations, my fiancée Cora, of Love Letters By Cora, has certainly been the Queen of My Heart this year.
	While she is amazingly photogenic in her own right, it is the work that she did behind the camera that earns Gwen of Everything I Like Causes Cancer this award. She was in on my proposal plan, and when it came time to use my camera to video the biggest moment of my life to date, as always, Gwen did not disappoint.

That concludes this round of the awards, but please stay tuned.  There will be another round (as soon as I get time to make some more awards) that will include the prestigious O.B.A.M.A. (One Bad Ass Mother Award) and Rookie Of The Year.  So, it you didn't win in this round, there's still time to send your bribes in campaign.

(Oh, and if you want to put it in your sidebar and the GIFs aren't working for you (size, color, etc), let me know and I'll see what I can do.)

A Scope-Tech Christmas – Part 4

As I mentioned HERE and HERE and HERE, the flying monkeys of Scope-Tech took over Santa's workshop and created toys for the children this year.  As we prepare to depart the North Pole, we thought we would bring you the final list for the year.

 

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Old:  Lego Minifigs
New: il-Lego Minifigs
Comment:  Building your Lego city?  Well, here is a set of undocumented worker minifgs to serve as landscapers, maids, day-laborers, and prostitutes.

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Old:   iPod Touch
New:  iPed Inappropriate Touch
Comment:  Pre-loaded with all of Michael Jackson's greatest hits and with subliminal suggestion technology, so your son or daughter can still feel like a "special guest" at Neverland.

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Old:  Hot Wheel & Matchbox Cars
New: Hate Wheels & Methbox Cars
Comment:  (Yeah, I really got nothin' here, but I like the names.)

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Old:   Nintendo DS
New:  Nintendo DTs
Comment:  This game is addictive.  Literally.  Your kids won't be able to put it down.

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Old:  Go Fish
New: Go Fist
Comment:  Calm down.  This is a game where you get points by fist-bumping different people.  Fist bump Anne Murray = 50 points.  Fist bumping Sass = 500 points.  Fist bump Papa Sass = 100,000,000,000 points.

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Old:   Old Maid
New:  Strong, Independent Woman Who Will Not Settle For Less Just To Conform To Societal Norms, And Call Her A "Cougar" And You Will Be Punished.
Comment:  Even the flying monkeys aren't THAT stupid.

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Old:  Impossibles Puzzles
New: Nothing
Comment:  Sometimes, you can't improve on the EVIL that is a puzzle without edge pieces, has 5 extra pieces, and the picture does not match the one on the box.

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Old:   Care Bears
New:  Medicare Bears
Comment:  Press a little button in their paws, and they will tell you all about their latest ache, pain, and horrific medical procedure. 

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Old:  Pokemon
New: Poker-Mon
Comment:  This cyber rastafarian / card shark will teach your kids the finer points of Texas Hold 'Em and how to score and smoke some sweet, sweet ganja.

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Old:   Cabbage Patch Kids
New:  Nicotine Patch Kids
Comment:  A teaching aid used to explain why Mommy is so cranky, edgy, and has put on 45 lbs in the last month.

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Old:  Sit 'n Spin
New: Sit 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin
Comment:  Once started, the toy keeps spinning the child round and round until the projectile vomit, hosing down the room.  Recommended as a gift to your ex's new kids.

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Old:   Bratz Dolls
New:  Tatz Dolls
Comment:  Your little angel trying to decide between a tramp stamp, barbed wire, or a rose on her hip?  This line of dolls will let her determine to proper skin art in 3D, so she can show the tattoo artist exactly what she want.

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Old:  Magnadoodle
New: Magnadoodoo
Comment:  No, those weren't finger paints.  Well, at least not for most folks.

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Old:   Boomerang
New:  BOOM!erang
Comment:  The one you hope DOESN'T return.

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I would be remiss if I did not provide proper credit to Cora, for providing / inspiring many of today's toys.  She had a lot more good ideas, but I just ran out of time fleshing out this Christmas.

Sorry, love.

Dear Santa…