2011-05-26

The One Where I Impersonate The BeckEye

And now let me do my BeckEye imitation and do an American Idol post. I've been watching all season, so, let ol' Scope look into his CrystalBallersox, and see what the future holds for our Idols.
And unlike the judges this season, limited sunshine will get blown up their asses.
ASHTHON JONES ASHTHON-JONES25 years old | Valdosta, GA
KAREN RODRIGUEZKAREN-RODRIGUEZ
21 years old | New York, NY
#13 Ashthon Jones & #12 Karen Rodriguez: Have futures on the side of milk cartons and asking people, "Do you want fries with that" after making it into the final 13, but missing out on the tour. I'd say, "See ya." But, no. No we won't.
THIA MEGIATHIA-MEGIA
16 years old | Hayward, CA
NAIMA ADEDAPONAIMA-ADEDAPO
26 years old | Milwaukee, WI
#10/#11 Thia Megia: After the Idol summer tour is over, Thia already has a standing gig. She will be doing the 3:00, 5:00, & 7:00 shows, Saturday & Sunday at Disneyland, singing the songs from "Mulan" & " Pocahontas". Visitors will be heard to remark, "She's almost as lifelike as the audio-animatronics in the Hall of Presidents at Disneyworld. But they still can't make the eyes look alive." #10/#11 Naima Adedapo: Giving up her summer job cleaning toilets at Milwaukee's SummerFest grounds to tour with the Idols this summer won't be the career limiting move that some might imagine. She'll play some of the swankier locales in the Milwaukee area, including The World Famous Brat Stop in Kenosha. (She'll probably open for Cheap Trick.)
PIA TOSCANO PIA-TOSCANO
22 years old | Howard Beach, NY
#9 Pia Toscano: Pia will have a reality mini-series where Maury Povich and Geraldo Rivera investigate to see if Pia is a lost Kardashian. In the end, despite DNA evidence,it will be proven that she is not a Kardashian.

Pia she has discernable talent, and has yet to appear in a sex tape.
PAUL MCDONALD PAUL-MCDONALD 26 years old | Huntsville, AL
#8 "Dancin' Paul" McDonald: Will taking his dancing style and freakishly white teeth back to the south, where he will be playing the finest hotel/motel lounges in the inappropriately named Memphis – Nashville – Chattanooga – Birmingham Triangle.

While "Hooterville" is outside those boundaries, a pretty boy like Paul with all his teeth will do just fine in those parts with the ladies. And with the boys, if he takes an ill-advised canoe trip and hears banjo music.
Cora-Motel-2
(Some jokes are just too perfect. Cora dislikes Paul very, very, very much.)
STEFANO LANGONE STEFANO-LANGONE
22 years old | Kent, WA
#7 Stefano Langone: Post Idol tour, Stefano will form a "boyband" with his roommate and fellow former Idol Sanjaya Malakar called "The Seattle Sevenths". Sadly, their first concert will be their last. The instant Sanjaya opens his pie hole, Stefano beats him to death with a microphone stand. His defense of, "That's how we do things in Kent," gets him acquitted, and a key to the city.
CASEY ABRAMS CASEY-ABRAMS
20 years old | Wilmette, IL / Idyllwild, CA
#6 Casey Abrams: Casey, escaping early elimination that would have kept him out of the tour, continues his close calls. After ending his relationship with fellow Idol, Haley (after the tour, natch, so that it won't be awkward, and it's not like he's got a shot @ Pia), Casey plays a series of blues and jazz clubs. Angry boyfriends and husbands are on the lookout for "The Fuzzy Wuzzy Blues Man" after Casey gave their girlfriends and wives a lesson in playing his "upright bass".
JACOB LUSK JACOB-LUSK
23 years old | Compton, CA
#5 Jacob Lusk: Will be performing Sunday morning in the Gospel choir.

And Tuesdays thru Saturdays in the Baton Club's drag show review, performing the best of Aretha Franklin.

No one buys for a minute that he is just cross-dressing for the show.

JAMES DURBIN JAMES-DURBIN22 years old | Santa Cruz, CA
#4 James Durbin: James will release the most successful CD of this year's contestants. Unfortunately, he'll blow it all on bandanas and tails. A "Behind the Music" film crew follows him around 24/7.

Waiting.

Just.

Waiting.

HALEY REINHART HALEY-REINHART20 years old | Wheeling, IL
#3 Haley Reinhart: Without the pressure of being in the finals, Haley has a long career in music, playing mid-sized clubs across the country and putting out an album every few years.

One night, Randy Jackson tells her that she still hasn't found herself musically, and she kicks him in the balls.

Haley then takes over his place as an Idol judge, and actually offers coaching and valuable critiques and comments to the contestants.

American Idol's numbers plummet and the show is canceled.

LAUREN ALAINA LAUREN-ALAINA
16 years old | Rossville, GA
#2 Lauren Alaina (Suddeth): Goodie-Goodie Lauren, who had trouble even singing the word "EVIL" will learn all about the dark side of the music industry from a roadie in the back of her tour bus, aided by a bottle of Jack, a joint, 6 boxes of HoHo's and Nirvana's "Nevermind" CD.

None of them used as you'd first imagined.

Amazingly, Lauren manages to technically remain a virgin until she visits Steven Tyler's house on her 18th birthday.

Dubbed "Next Brittany" by the press, Lauren Alaina flames out, cleans up, flames out, gets "Born Again" (again) and cleans up for for good. She tries to become a serious artist by reclaiming her last name of "Suddeth". And that's where the comparisons to Brittany Spears end.
SCOTTY MCCREERY SCOTTY-MCCREERY
17 years old | Garner, NC
#1 Scotty McCreery: Scotty's post Idol career get cut tragically short when some crazee chick named "Ann" goes all "Kathy Bates / #1 Fan" on his mudflapped head.
After being rescued by the Texas Rangers (the baseball team, not the police organization), Scotty is only able to sing out of the LEFT SIDE of his mouth, effectively ending his career.
And if you're looking for a real recap of last night's show, I'm certain the afore mentioned BeckEye will have a hysterical recap up by the time you read this.

6 comments:

BeckEye said...

Well, my recap isn't hysterical, but thanks for the pimpage anyway.

I actually wonder if Paul McD's new gal, Nikki Reed, will get him a cameo in an upcoming Twilight film (even though the last two have been filmed already). He would be a special kind of vampire in that only his teeth sparkle.

MJenks said...

After reading the Scotty McCreery thing, I see you've vacationed in lovely Garner, North Carolina.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I am astonished at your American Idol prowess!

You could have a career at this!

I was thinking today about the douche in Hollywood week who kicked Scotty out of his group and dismissed him as bad. How does he like Scotty now????

So. Cal. Gal said...

Having never watched the show all I can say is, is Naima trying to emulate Boy George?

Bad call.

BAD call.

Joshua said...

That Paul guy could also be a stand-in for Chris Hardwicke (he of WebSoup fame).

Cora said...

Well, Stefano is right, that IS how they do things in Kent. Mattel knows. Check out "Kent WA Barbie": http://anotherboyfromoz.wordpress.com/2007/02/22/mattel-launches-new-barbie-collection-for-washington-state/