2012-06-12

Forgive Me, Cora, For I Have Sinned

Church of Spiders

The other night, Cora was VERY TIREDDEAD TO THE WORLD tired.  And there was a fly buzzing around the house.  A big, gnasty, loud fly.

And we had roughly this conversation:

Cora – Close the (bedroom) door.  I don't want that fly in here watching us sleep.  The pervert.

Scope - (Closing the door.)  Good thing you don't sleep with your mouth open, you might swallow him in your sleep.  I know an old lady that that happened to.

Cora - (Mumbles sleepily) Really?  What happened?

Scope - (Not believing he got away with that one) Well, then she swallowed a spider.  One thing led to another, and she swallowed a horse.  She'd dead of course.

And then I got booed and smacked in the arm.  I know she was in zombie mode, and it wasn't fair to try something like that on her, but it was T.O.T.A.L.L.Y. worth it!


Which got me thinking of the spider fact I read read a while ago:

"You're never more than 10 feet from a spider."  That's right.  Right now.  Where you're reading this, there is a spider, lurking, somewhere within 10 feet of you.

Or maybe closer!

8c7aa63b_112788d1236953051-spider-real-image033

For those of you who are not fans of the 8 legged beasties, here are some facts, swiped from the Animal Planet website. Sleep well.

  • AP - Unlike insects, spiders cannot fly--but they can balloon! Young spiderlings pull out silk until the breeze can lift them into the sky. Most don't travel high or far, but some have been seen at altitudes of 10,000 feet and on ships more than 200 miles from land. Most ballooners are very small spiderlings, but adult spiders have been captured by planes with nets. 

    Scope – Not only can they climb up walls and then repel down from the ceiling, they've joined the airborne Rangers and bring death from above!
  • AP - While most spiders live for one year, a few may have more than one generation each year. Some spiders can live 3 to 4 years, and certain tarantulas are known to live for 25 years or longer.

    Scope – So, what they're saying is the spider has time to wait you out, planning the right moment to ATTACK!

    jumping-spider-with-sky-487x399 
    However, any spider within 10 feet of my wife has a life expectancy that can be measured in seconds, not years.  (Unless it crawls under her bed, regrouping for battle.)
  • AP - The fisher or raft spider is able to walk across the surface of a pond or other body of water by skating like a water strider. When it detects prey (insects or tiny fish) under the surface, it can quickly dive to capture its dinner.

    Scope – So, you thought, "10 feet, I'll live on the water.  Spiders can't get me there."  Wrong!
  • AP - Some spiders live underwater all of their lives. They surface to collect a bubble of air, which acts as an underwater lung. An underwater spider fills its bell-shape web with air bubbles and derives oxygen from them.

    Scope – That's right, under water, too.  Spiders and sharks.  Probably teaming up right now.
  • AP - Bolas spiders make webs of a single line with a sticky "ball," or bola, on the end. These spiders can twirl the bolas in the air. Moths are attracted to the smell and fly toward the web until they hit it and stick. The spider then reels in its catch.

    Scope – So, even if you aren't near them, the spiders have developed long range weaponry to mess with you.

Oh, and St. Felix of Nola is real.  Not the church, I totally generated that sign, but the dude is the patron saint OF (not protection FROM) spiders.  Because spiders need a saint.

spider-01
And "Felix" means "lucky" in Latin.  And you're just lucky that this guy isn't the spider that's within 10 feet of you.

Or is he??? 

6 comments:

Cora said...

Sicko.

Joshua said...

You have some photoshopping skills, sir. Also, don't let Princess read this. She just might hire a hit squad on you just for talking about spiders.

So. Cal. Gal said...

There was a spider about 4 ft from me last night on the wall. I turned my flashlight on it, thinking it would climb higher. Nope, it climbed LOWER. But I'd like to think I squashed it with my wheels because I never saw it again.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I freakin hate spiders.

gross

SkylersDad said...

Don't ever Google worlds largest spider, trust me.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goliath_birdeater

Ktcatgir said...

but not all spiders are out to get you. most just want to eat the bugs that lurk around your house. saving you from flies, fleas, worms,ants and anything annoying in the bug world that is brave enough to enter a home. sometimes they even eat other spiders.