A New Year's Public Service Announcement

This announcement has nothing to do particularly with New Year's Day, New Year's Eve, 2014, or any other bit of calendar monkey business.

In fact, this advice is a tale as old as time.  A song as old as rhyme.

- THESE ARE NOT PANTS!

- THE DAZZLE CAMOUFLAGE ISN'T FOOLING ANYONE.

Back in WWI, and to a lesser part, WWII, some ships were painted with a paint scheme, often referred to as "razzle dazzle" or "dazzle camouflage".  It was not designed to hide the ships from the enemy, so much as to confuse the enemy gunners as to the size, shape, speed, and/or bearing of a ship, throwing off the optical range finders so as to cause them difficulty in acquiring a firing solution. 

These tights are NOT going to break up your silhouette and fool anybody into thinking that your Ticonderoga class cruiser of a backside is really a sleek little Arleigh Burke destroyer (ship designations in honor of Skydad).

Especially if you are wearing them as pants.  Seriously!  Look in a mirror and ask yourself, "Is this the first impression I want to make today?"  If the answer is "yes", beg your momma, or her closest living relative to slap some sense into you (unless "Auntie" is a hoochie, too, then you're screwed).  There are probably 6 women on the planet with legs and buttocks shaped correctly to wear tights as pants in public.

YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM.

They are some of the (butt not all) Victoria Secret models.  You might be fine, butt reality check, you aren't that fine.  Go put on a skirt, or a tunic sweater or something and cover that up a little.  Trust me, the world NEEDS THE MYSTERY.

I mean, do you want to look like this from behind?  People will be gouging their eyes out behind you in line at McDonalds while you get your McRib, fries and a Diet Coke.

And this goes double for wearing ecru (see, I know a few of the fancy "women color" words) tights worn as pants.  You look naked and like someone spackled your ass crack closed.  You are personally contributing toward the breakdown in society.  Stop it.  I don't care if they match your skin color or not.

I don't care what you wear for "special sexy time" around the house, do not cross your threshold into any common or public area looking like some idiot who forgot to put pants on.  Even if you are not getting out of the car.  Not an excuse.

I mean, we don't have to go full Victorian again, but a little modesty, people.  And that goes for you, too, "Mr. Bicycle Pants on The L".  No one wants to sit in a seat with your "package" at eye level.

Where's the eye bleach?