Guess What Week It Is, Kiddies? Clown Sausage

As you can imagine, spending 2 weeks doing clown research (I've been planning this for a while) on the internets will provide you with a whole lot of clown related content that does not easily fit into neat little packages.  So, I'm gonna sweep up the scrapes, and deliver unto you some fine clown sausage.

Like that little hunk of bologna over there.  I'm just imagining going after that with a knife, and slicing off a sliver.

Would you fry it?  Smother it in ketchup so it looked like blood?

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I was looking of a website that would take your picture and turn you into a clown.  That's how I eventually found Scott's Evil Clown Generator.  While I was searching, I did all kinds of searches.  Nothing was working.  I wanted something like the Obama-Me tool, but made you into a clown.

So I did an image search on: "Obama-Me" clown

Son-of-a-biscuit-eater!

And thrown under the bus by my own wife!  That's gonna leave a mark. (But at least she says she loves me, so I will forgive her.)

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A while back, when I was writing a post that I never published about my bother's wife not attending our wedding, I was looking for a good image of a nuclear mushroom cloud.

And found these guys.  Was going to use them in the "Scary Clown" post, but it was too long anyway.

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I ran across the "Rainbo Bright" train wreck clown over there while I was working on the "Sexy Clown" post, but she didn't make the cut.  Pinkie over there, I found when I was looking for a good copy of the luncheon meat poster above.  Hard to tell age there, though.

Still Not Sexy	The Jury's Still Out

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This next little set of nightmares well, they defy explanation, but I'm gonna try anyway.

I'm not sure what the hell kind of party this was.  I'm sure as hell glad I wasn't invited.  But I did promise you "clown sausage" and this is as close to "clown porn" as I was going to get.	I was looking for "clown dentist" and almost used this one.  But then I found the one that I used, colored the hair, eyebrows and eyes, and went that way instead.

I believe this haunting image is from the abandoned amusement park in Chernobyl. That makes it doubly sad and haunting.

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This next one is a song I've never really liked.  Way to sad.  But, it's sung by an actress that I love, and have seen perform live on the London stage, so without further ado, Dame Judy Dench singing "Send In The Clowns" from the musical "A Little Night Music".

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WOW! That was depressing.  Let me end clown week with one of my favorite clowns from my childhood.  Captain Kangaroo's "The Town Clown".

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Well, it looks like I'm done clowning around.  Not sure what topics I will tackle next, but whatever they are, they're gonna have some mighty large shoes to fill!

Stop Clowning Around – Random Bits Of Life

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Guess What Week It Is, Kiddies? Sexy Clowns?

Sure.  Evil clowns need them some loving, too.  All those balloon animals.  All those seltzer bottles going off all the time.  It's enough to make any "happy on the outside" clown a "crying on the inside" clown.

What, you don't believe me?

Guess you've never heard of a HARLEQUIN ROMANCES then.

Yesterday, we saw that it was really easy to be for clowns to be creepy.

But what about sexy?

Can a clown be sexy?

I searched the entire internets, and I have to report that while it can be done, it is much, much easier to fail miserably at the attempt.  I had even switch over to mimes, eff'n mimes, to finish the list.

 

Done Right!	Done Wrong!
She's into the French style of doing it.	Madonna in cold cream? An overdone Pearl Necklace facial? Even when single, drunk at a Halloween party, I couldn't try to pick her up. No matter how powerful her lungs are from making all those balloon animals.  Afraid that when she was finished, she twist my noodle into a poodle.
I'd like to see her trapeze act.	Knows how to use tongue.  Doesn't help.
Is she a clown, or imitating Rudolph? Does it really matter?	I stayed away from using Pennywise in yesterday's post, but you didn't think I could not have Clown Week and not include IT, do you?
She has to be a clown, because that ain't her birthday suit.	Playing with his balls.
Normally, I dislike mimes.  But Christina Ricci really makes the outfit work.	He doesn't. Less is not more, sometimes.
A little Fabio for the ladies.	You've heard of "6 pack abs"? John Travolta here's got a pony keg.
Not Amy Winehouse.	And this one.  Well, I can't even put this one on the webpage.  It's totally NSFW and very, very wrong. I dare you to click the link. You've been warned. HORRIFYING LINK See, now that cannot be unseen, and that will now haunt your dreams for the rest of your days.  And maybe beyond.

Just Plain Wrong!

Happy Meal in deed!

She bites things.

Party balloons!

But the least sexy clown in the world?  That's easy.  It's Shakes.  Shakes the Clown, aka "The Citizen Kane Of Alcoholic Clown Movies."  Don't believe me?

Or watch the full length feature HERE.  See if you can last the first scene with Florence Henderson basking in the glow of "post clown-sex".

Guess What Week It Is, Kiddies? Scary Clowns?

I'm certain some of you have seen the new banner, and have been thinking,

"Where can I get me some of THAT?"  Well, the background I stole from HERE, the lettering I did myself in Photoshop.  And for the evil clown, I used  Scott's Evil Clown Generator.  Go ahead.  Try it.  It's actually pretty darn fun.

But what is it about scary clowns?  Clowns don't have to be scary to creep people out, so why do people go the extra mile to make them extra freaky?

I found the artist who did this picture that I used a while back, Ron English.  Here are a couple more of his clown nightmares.  To see more of his work, go to  Popaganda.

[Link]

[Link]

Is he done yet?  Oh, I'm far from done.

Everyone's favorite, The Simpsons, can't stay away from the motif, either.  Krusty?  That's too easy of a shot.  Sideshow Bob?  The big shoe fits, but that's not where I'm going.  I'm going back to season 4.  The episode with Maggie's first word.  Homer built Bart this bed, as they moved him out of his baby crib and inspiring the classic line:

"Can't sleep.  Clown will eat me."

But you're right, that's not disturbing enough.  I tried looking for the video on line of Bart saying the line, curled up all fetal, but I really didn't have any luck.  Then I found this 3-D rendering of Bart saying the line.  Set "Disturbing" factor to 11!

Not there yet?  Did I mention that I want to have a haunted house some day, just filled with clowns?  My centerpiece will be a guy in a dentist chair, with blood all over the place, and the patient screaming over the sound of the high pitched drill.

I'm guessing nobody is reading down here after that picture, so I will leave you with two more videos. The first one I don't think was originally intended to be a mind freak, but it is.  The second one is actually a great Wal-Mart commercial that I loved when it was in the TV rotation.

Guess What Week It Is, Kiddies? Bozo

Let's start off "International Clown Week" with a little story I love to tell.  It happened to my friend, G-Man, the husband of "The Blonde" that is occasionally mentioned on this blog.

First off, G-Man is a great guy, a middle school principal, and a jock.  Played college baseball.  Has run marathons.  Loves sports.  Plays sports.  Is GOOD at sports.

But G-Man choked.  ONCE.  When it counted.

And good friends will NEVER let you forget when you humiliated yourself on live television.

I will tell you the legend as it has been passed down to me.  Occasionally, I will need to interject G-Man's side of the story.  That will be denoted by text formatted **like this** .

Chicago had The Bozo Show.  Sure, most other cities had them in the 60's and 70's.  Did yours run until 2001?  No?  Then HUSH.  Tickets were extremely hard to come by, but G-Boy's mom scored him some for his fifth birthday **but in my head, I was still four**.

As part of the show, there was "The Grand Prize Game" which was a series of 6 buckets that a specially chosen girl and bow would try to toss a ping pong ball into.  The further you got, the better your prize.  Make bucket #1 (it was the size of a vat, and even if you missed, you got to try again.) and you and your "at home player" won some crappy Colorforms, but score bucket #6, and you win a new bike.

The magic arrows start swooping around, and wouldn't you know it, but our very own G-Boy is picked and whisked up on stage.  G-Lad, take it from here.  **Ok.  It's my birthday, and I get grabbed by a bunch of clowns and rushed up on stage.  Bozo is like the 6 foot monster towering over you.  The lights are blinding.  You can't see Cookie.  He's off camera going, 'You're gonna miss kid.'**

The scene looked a lot like this:

And then what happened?

**imissedbucketnumbertwo**

What?  Speak up?

**I missed bucket #2 alright.  You don't understand the pressure.**

And your at home player?  Did the "at home player" ever hunt you down and kick your ass?

**That was a fear, yes.**

Now, I see some of you studying the picture up there, and thinking, "That the second bucket is pretty far out there.  There's no shame in missing that."  Au contraire mon fraire.  Look very closely.  Right behind the huge bucket, you can just catch sight of bucket #2.  Yeah, it's that close.

Over the years, G-Man has gotten all sorts of Bozo stuff from his friends.  A lamp really sticks out in my mind.  And then there was the time that I had some fun with the U.S. mail.  Along with the "Grand Prize Game" picture above I printed the following pictures off onto postcards, filled them out, and them sent them to friends all around the country for them to mail to G-Man.

This one, I printed across 1 sheet (4 postcards) so that it came like a puzzle.

 
I'm still slightly offended that when the Bozo Blizzard started arriving, I wasn't the prime suspect.  Oh, I was a SUSPECT, but not the PRIME SUSPECT.

You know, it's been a while since then…  >;-)

Guess What Week It Is, Kiddies? Part 1

The first week in August is "International Clown Week".  Those of you who suffer from coulrophobia (the fear of clowns) may wish to avoid this blog for a week.  Just saying…

I'm sure you will sleep better knowing that:

• Unlike vampires and zombies, clowns are real.
• Clowns are out there.
• Clowns don't always wear their makeup.  Sometimes they walk around among us.  Like normal folks.  But they are not.  They are clowns in disguise.
• I'm pretty sure this guy watches you shower.

But don't worry, I'm sure not ALL week will be devoted to evil clowns and the nightmares they cause.

Kind of sure.