Call it "The Big Game" – Due to very stringent NFL licensing and trade mark rules, if you are not an official corporate sponsor, using "Super" and "Bowl" together will wind you in court faster than giving
Charlie Sheen a monkey a bottle of tequila and a can of spray paint.
Do NOT call it "American Football" – Yes, we get that soccer is called "futball" in the rest of the world. Get over it. We let your girlie "futball" players kick field goals and look like sissies when they have to try to tackle a real "football" player, what more do you want?
If your team isn't in it, root for the Saints – I figure is New Orleans wins, Sass will be happy, and isn't that really all this life is about anyway? Also, they would it give them something to talk about instead of the hurricane. Seriously, people, that's old news. Haitians are the new "IT" face of disaster.
Just thank whatever God or gods you worship that "Up With People" aren't doing this year's show. And there's always the Lingerie Bowl VII over on the Pay-per-View.
Healthy snacks – Communist and French-esque people will try to convince you that you should "snack smart" during the game. Hey, they can have their baby carrot sticks if they want, that just leaves more 'lil Smokies wrapped in bacon and covered in caramelized brown sugar for me. Or as Gwen of EILCC calls them, "Fat Fat Sugar".
Don't miss the ads – While many of the ads suck rocks or are too "high concept" to really work well, you won't want to miss what a lot of people will be talking about tomorrow. So, to avoid missing part of the game or the commercials, I strongly urge you to run out to Walmart right now and pick up a package of Depends undergarments.
Hey, why should the incontinent get to watch the E*TRADE babies while you are in line for the pisser? That's what I'm sayin'.
From the Onion Archives:
Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable
By Lenny Gramsched
November 19, 1997 | Issue 32•16
Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a dog barks or a door slams too loud.
So, the other day, I was watching TV in the nursing home's rec room when one of those Depends commercials came on. You know, the ones with the happy-looking gray-haired couples riding bicycles. They seemed to really be enjoying the diapers, so, figuring it was worth a shot, I headed over to the local Walgreens and picked myself up a 12-pack.
(Click HERE for full story.)