Fuzzy Dice

"Build a better mouse trap and the world will beat a path to your door."  But, if you design something that has no practical or redeeming properties what so ever, people from half way across the galaxy will beg you to take their money from them.  Examples of this kind of consumer sagaciousness abound: pet rock, "mood" rings, plastic flamingos, but the crème de la crème of them all is (that's right, you read the title): Fuzzy Dice.

Fuzzy-Dice I'm not quite sure what should be done with their inventor.  I'm torn between giving him (or her) a major award or a good tar and feathering followed by being drawn and quartered.  The award would have to be given posthumously, however.  I'm quite sure that I was a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the mast of the Santa Maria, Columbus' flag ship in a picture.  But Chris is not the only VIP who has a pair of the furry cubes.  I heard tell that former president Ronald Reagan had two pair of mink dice with diamonds for spots.  One pair was for the limo, and the other pair was for Air Force 1 (put there on Nancy's insistence, of course).

Now what purpose do those funny fixtures serve?  "None," you say?  Wrong!  I have found three things that the dangling dice do. 

  1. They serve to restrict the driver's vision to the right. 
  2. They allow those of us who have a little taste, and in my case very little, to spot those people who have none.
  3. I can see how guys might might find it beneficial to, ah…, titillate their girlfriends by prominently displaying a pair of elephantic sized sexual sym-balls.

Confession time.  The above has been recycled and slightly modified (mostly for formatting) from its original form, as YOU CAN SEE.  I originally published this on October 2, 1986, in my college's now defunct newspaper, The Daily Other.  I was digging through some archives and found it, and seemed like a pretty good blog post to me.


mo.stoneskin said...

Personally I believe that fuzzy dice will be used to separate the sheep from the goats.

Cora said...

They're hideous. I agree. But you have to admit they are a million times more classy than those faux testicles some guys affix to the backs of their trucks.


Cora said...

Btw, that was fun, The Daily Other link.


Fancy Schmancy said...

How cool you used to write for your college paper. Funny stuff!

J.J. in L.A. said...

*giggle* You said 'dangling'.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

My first finacee bought me a pair of fuzzy dice she found in Vegas on a business trip. They were pink and black and had Elvis.

They also burnt rather spectacularly when the engagement broke off.

Lisa said...

it is funny. :)

Lisa-tastrophies said...

Every time I see fuzzy dice the song "Low Ride-er" pops into my head and I walk around all day saying "Eees me barrio, esay"