My Weak End of the Bargain - II

Dance with the one that brought you.Dance with Elvis Gwen's 40th birthday party extravaganza was at her friends' G&L's.  As a good extravaganza going guest, I brought host and hostess gifts.  One was a bottle of of Pinot Gris that I had altered slightly to have Gwen's full name on it (Almost gave out the last name there, my apologies!)

The other bottle was, well, the DEVIL.

I can't seem to remember the brand.  But it was a simple bottle.  White label.  Black cap. 126 proof rye spirits.  (2/3 rye, 1/3 malted barley.)  The bottle was a wealth of information.  It included the types of woods used to smoke the malt.  The size of the production batch run.  Made somewhere in Virginia.  The distillation date.

It was distilled on 2009-01-26, if I recall correctly.  Not BOTTLED,  DESTILLED!  I guess that whole "aging" stuff is for sissies.  It was completely clear, like vodka.  Went down like tequila's ugly, meaner cousin that no one speaks to at the family reunions, but who shows up anyway just to piss people off.  Smooth it wasn't.  Probably as close to legal "moonshine" as you're going to find.

But, you bring it, you drink it.

I was outside when the hostess came over to inform me that they'd cracked the bottle open, and that it was becoming the "Dare Ya" drink.  I went in to have a shot.

I was not handed a shot glass.

The shot glasses seemed to all be in use, but in fact, just sitting there, so I was given a highball glass instead.  Did I mention 126 proof?  The shot I had poured for me was tiny and sissy, and just barely covered the bottom of the glass.  No.  Hit that again, harder.  If I'm going to do a shot that everyone is daring me to do, I want to get some props for doing it right.  In the end, the shot was 3 or 4 ounces.  It was a touch higher than where I would pour the rum in a rum & Coke.

And with that, I tossed that bad boy back.  It hit my taste buds like kerosene, but I think I avoided 'the wince', and then let it go down the gullet.  Somewhere along the line, the kerosene caught fire.  Now, I've had whiskey the warmed as it went down, and that was a pleasant feeling.  This burned and scalded it's way down, napalm-esque, clinging to and burning my esophagus all the way down 'til it hit the pool of run & diet Pepsi in my belly, and the fire stopped.  I had heartburn all day Sunday and into Monday from it.

Over the course of the evening, I had probably 3 or 4 or 5 more of the shot glass sized shots.  Odd how the memory gets a little fuzzy on those details.  One thing I know for a fact:  Gwen didn't touch the stuff.  H did her shot like it was water.

And as wicked nasty as that stuff was, I can't help but wonder, "How would it be COLD?"


SkylersDad said...

Well done Scope, well done!

Cora said...

So you drank the devil, huh?


You're a braver soul than I.


J.J. in L.A. said...

Drinking anything straight is taking your life into your own hands. Glad you survived!

Sass said...

You = Rock Star.

Morgan the Muse said...

Hmm. Well. Sounds like... fun? But, good job, all the same. You are a hero.

Char said...

So...did you have to do some "hair of the devil" the next day?

mo.stoneskin said...

The Devil can fit in a bottle? Crumbs, he's cleverer than I thought.

Lisa said...

I'm laughing all over again... not at you! You were laughing while telling the story if you remember correctly!

Damn those dare shots n the sunsabitches who start them! ;-P

I hope you're feeling waaaay better by now.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Moonshine will do that to you every time. Lethal shit.

Did you get a chance to meet my good friend the Porcelain Prince?

Little Brr said...

I had me a shot of this "poison" and wicked nasty doesn't even begin to do this stuff justice. Blah. It came back to haunt me as well, right as I was attempting to pass out. It caused the whole "I can't lay in one position too long for fear of spewing all over my bed (and boyfriend)" situation. I am happy to report that didn't happen, but jeezusmaryjosef was it close. Whew! Just thinking about it makes me shiver.

Scope said...

Just to be clear, I was fine the next morning. Gwen can attest.

I consider it an escape from the 7th Circle.

H said...

It's Wednesday and I can still taste that fire water. I think my tastebuds are forever altered.

Fancy Schmancy said...

I didn't know Tequila had an uglier, meaner cousin. That bitch and I do not get along, at all... You're a braver man than I am, Scope.

Shana said...

I would have thought the devil would get stuck in the throat.

Lisa said...


you were soooo not fine.

lie..... keep lying my friend. if you feel the need. ;)

you were so not fine 2 days later.

that's all i'm sayin' ;)

Lisa-tastrophies said...


At my age, I would have been on the couch praying for GAWD to kill me just to make the pain go away.

I am totally in awe of you now.