A Scope-Tech Christmas – Part 4

As I mentioned HERE and HERE and HERE, the flying monkeys of Scope-Tech took over Santa's workshop and created toys for the children this year.  As we prepare to depart the North Pole, we thought we would bring you the final list for the year.


Old:  Lego Minifigs
New: il-Lego Minifigs
Comment:  Building your Lego city?  Well, here is a set of undocumented worker minifgs to serve as landscapers, maids, day-laborers, and prostitutes.
Old:   iPod Touch
New:  iPed Inappropriate Touch
Comment:  Pre-loaded with all of Michael Jackson's greatest hits and with subliminal suggestion technology, so your son or daughter can still feel like a "special guest" at Neverland.
Old:  Hot Wheel & Matchbox Cars
New: Hate Wheels & Methbox Cars
Comment:  (Yeah, I really got nothin' here, but I like the names.)
Old:   Nintendo DS
New:  Nintendo DTs
Comment:  This game is addictive.  Literally.  Your kids won't be able to put it down.
Old:  Go Fish
New: Go Fist
Comment:  Calm down.  This is a game where you get points by fist-bumping different people.  Fist bump Anne Murray = 50 points.  Fist bumping Sass = 500 points.  Fist bump Papa Sass = 100,000,000,000 points.
Old:   Old Maid
New:  Strong, Independent Woman Who Will Not Settle For Less Just To Conform To Societal Norms, And Call Her A "Cougar" And You Will Be Punished.
Comment:  Even the flying monkeys aren't THAT stupid.
OldImpossibles Puzzles
New: Nothing
Comment:  Sometimes, you can't improve on the EVIL that is a puzzle without edge pieces, has 5 extra pieces, and the picture does not match the one on the box.
Old:   Care Bears
New:  Medicare Bears
Comment:  Press a little button in their paws, and they will tell you all about their latest ache, pain, and horrific medical procedure. 
Old:  Pokemon
New: Poker-Mon
Comment:  This cyber rastafarian / card shark will teach your kids the finer points of Texas Hold 'Em and how to score and smoke some sweet, sweet ganja.
Old:   Cabbage Patch Kids
New:  Nicotine Patch Kids
Comment:  A teaching aid used to explain why Mommy is so cranky, edgy, and has put on 45 lbs in the last month.
Old:  Sit 'n Spin
New: Sit 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin 'n Spin
Comment:  Once started, the toy keeps spinning the child round and round until the projectile vomit, hosing down the room.  Recommended as a gift to your ex's new kids.
Old:   Bratz Dolls
New:  Tatz Dolls
Comment:  Your little angel trying to decide between a tramp stamp, barbed wire, or a rose on her hip?  This line of dolls will let her determine to proper skin art in 3D, so she can show the tattoo artist exactly what she want.
Old:  Magnadoodle
New: Magnadoodoo
Comment:  No, those weren't finger paints.  Well, at least not for most folks.
Old:   Boomerang
New:  BOOM!erang
Comment:  The one you hope DOESN'T return.

I would be remiss if I did not provide proper credit to Cora, for providing / inspiring many of today's toys.  She had a lot more good ideas, but I just ran out of time fleshing out this Christmas.

Sorry, love.


SkylersDad said...

Great list, all sure fire winners!

Cowguy said...

Along the lines of impossible puzzles, my mom gave me a set of 5 "remove the steel ring from the tangled mess of string and steel and chain" puzzles. My buddy Geno came by while we were all abusing our brains with the things and offered to carry them all to the garbage can for us... just to save us and stuff.

Great list Scope!

Cora said...

I played so much with the flying monkey Callista gave me that I sprained my finger!

*note to self: time to play with other toys*