2008-11-19

SCOPE-TECH Presents: EQUI-NOX

This new black and white pill from SCOPE-TECH's Department of EVIL CHEMISTRY will balance your yin/yang and checkbook, bring your planets into syzygy, rearrange your shakras, unblock your chi, and leave your aura as shinny as the coat of an egg-suckin' dog.

Side effects are generally inversely proportional to the benefits provided. Patients who successfully completed the regiment reported increased instances of dry mouth, sensitivity to light, itching, twitching, spot bleeding, night sweats, night terrors, leprosy, scurvy, full body monkey hair, the mange, third eye, the condition known as "sausage fingers", projectile vomiting, that thing the kid in Mask had, and stigmata.

There was one report of demonic possession, but our scientists are pretty sure that it was a pre-existing condition. The patient was, after all, a tele-marketer.

6 comments:

Gwen said...

If you already have sausage fingers will it cure them? A friend wants to know.

Scope said...

Yes, but due to the yin/yang nature of the kill, it will probably cause inappropriate "shrinkage" of other bodyparts, too.

But please contact your perscriber. We're giving them a 25% kickback (ummmm "Finders Fee") for every perscription, so I'm sure they'll do what's in your "friend's" best interests.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I was worried about the full body monkey hair thing, but then I saw that it also gives you the mange, so now I'm not so worried.

Also...just curious...do you have docking models of the drug with its target enzyme? Thanks.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Good for whatever and whoever ails you. There are a few people I could add to that list-for trial purposes, of course.

Scope said...

the iNDefatigable mjenks - "We show an α-helical hairpin motif to be an independent and mobile structural entity and removing the hairpin fully inactivates the inhibitor. And we threw in some residue-directed protein modifications."

At least that's what I think our Director of EVIL Chemistry muttered when asked.

Or maybe she didn't.

I'm just the Director of Misinformation at Scope-Tech.

Or maybe I'm not.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Awesome. I hate it when those alpha-helices surround the active site--wait a minute...that's how estrogen treatments work! This isn't a pill for unblocking my chi, this is a pill for growing boobies!

I'll take a dozen.