2009-01-19

Birds Is For The Birds

With birds making the news recently, SCOPE-TECH is issuing your technical survival guide:

Birds Is For The Birds

Know Your Enemy Guidebook

A practical guide to birds for the aves-phobic
&
Repudiation of "Oh, it's just a Bird" mentality



Broad Tailed Hummingbird [wiki]

Length: 3.5 in
Weight: 1/8 oz
Fear Factor: 1
Deadly Skill: Ability to hover
Your Defense: Tennis Racket




Canvasback Duck [
wiki]

Length: 53 cm (about 21 in)
Weight:1.7 kg (3.75 lb.)
Fear Factor: 3
Deadly Skill: That glowing red eye!
Your Defense: A swift kick



Pigeon [wiki]

Length: 13 in
Weight: 8 oz
Fear Factor: 6
Deadly Skill: Hypnotic neck bobbing and dive-bombing of pedestrians.

Your Defense: Duck & cover when they fly too close.


Canadian Goose [wiki]

Length: 114 cm (45 in)
Weight: 11 kg (24 lb.)
Fear Factor: 7
Deadly Skill: They travel in flocks, hiss at you, and are by nature, EVIL!
Your Defense: A hockey stick or a fire hose.



Trumpeter Swan [wiki]

Length: 1.5 m (5 ft)
Weight: 13.5 kg (30 lb.)
Fear Factor: 8
Deadly Skill: Size does matter.
Your Defense: Call it an "ugly duckling." You will send it into an emotional breakdown as it relives a childhood trauma. Then run, run like the wind, Forrest.



Cassowary [
wiki]

Length: 6 ft
Weight: 150 lb.
Fear Factor: 10+
Deadly Skills: Can run 30mph. And "can leap high to make raking blows with their long dagger-like claws."
Your Defense: A gun. A REALLY big gun.


Tweety Bird [wiki]

Length: 5 in
Weight: ??
Fear Factor: 2 - 10
Deadly Skills: Disarmingly cute in natural state. Can morph into terrifyingly huge "Mr. Hyde" bird.
Your Defense: Puddy Tat


Big Bird [
wiki]

Length: 8' 2"
Weight: ??? lb.
Fear Factor: 0
Deadly Skills: Cannot pronounce the name "Hooper."
Your Defense: Elmo. Even Big Bird hates Elmo.


Honorable Mentions



Larry Bird [wiki]

Length: 6' 9"
Weight: 220 lb.
Fear Factor: 10
Deadly Skills: All his skills were deadly.
Your Defense: You can't stop him. You can only hope to contain him.


Mark "The Bird" Fidrych [wiki]

Length: 6' 3"
Weight: 175
Fear Factor: 5 (100+ if you're Kerry Wood)
Deadly Skills: He talked to the BALL for heaven's sake!!!
Your Defense: Protect the outside corner with 2 strikes.


Admiral Richard E. Byrd [wiki]

Length: Unknown
Weight: Unknown
Fear Factor: 1
Deadly Skills: Flew over South Pole. Lord of the Penguins.
Your Defense: Call him by his middle name, "Evelyn".



And as a special bonus: Naturally Roasted Squab



17 comments:

Bella@That damn expat said...

That last picture totally made my morning. Is that normal?

Scope said...

Thanks. I have seen them do it before. It was just below freezing that day, not the true brutal cold we've been having. There was a slight breeze that day blowing left to right, which is why they are all huddled "down wind"

J.J. in L.A. said...

What kind of bigass pigeons do you have in Chicago? 13 inches?

And, of all of these examples, Big Bird scares the crap out of me...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Great post! My fave is the fear factor and your defense categories.
The other great defense against a hissing, nasty, Canadian Goose other than a hockey stick is a 9 iron. Those suckers are nasty and territorial on the golf course.

The Diva on a Diet said...

High-larious! Especially liked the fear factor ... thanks for the morning chuckle. :)

Dr Zibbs said...

Hahaha. Great post! My favorite bird (for real) is the Bohemian Waxwing.

Cora said...

I hate birds. Hate 'em! Anything that can shit on me from the sky is just bad news in my book! I mean, imagine if Big Bird could fly! (shudder).

Hey, btw, I love the new avatar. Kudos! :-)

Scope said...

J.J. - I went and double checked the Wiki link and that's the range they have. Well it is NOW. :-)

Candy - I would imagine a 9 iron wielded by an actual golfer like yourself is a deadly weapon. I only play putt-putt golf.

Diva - Welcome over.

Dr. Zibbs - I imagine your second favorite bird is the turducken.

Cora - I thought I remember you mentioning something about birds running afowl of your sensibilities. Hopefully this field guide will help. It was originally produced in booklet form for a friend's birthday. She is deathly affraid of birds.

Scope said...

Dr. Zibbs - After looking up the turducken, I just had to pass this along from wiki:

The largest recorded nested bird roast is 17 birds, attributed to a royal feast in France in the early 19th century (originally called a Rôti Sans Pareil, or "Roast without equal") - a bustard stuffed with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant, a chicken, a duck, a guinea fowl, a teal, a woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing, a quail, a thrush, a lark, an Ortolan Bunting and a Garden Warbler. The final bird is small enough that it can be stuffed with a single olive; it also suggests that, unlike modern multi-bird roasts, there was no stuffing or other packing placed in between the birds. This dish probably could not be legally recreated in the modern era as many of the listed birds are now protected species. [1] [2].

Scope said...

Cora - Is this you as a wee lass? [LINK]

sista #2 said...

Tweets is my favorite.

peace
#2

Cowguy said...

Mark Fidrych... for crying out loud. That guy used to bring me to tears watching him talk to the ball on the mound. LOL He'd slipped my mind.

Great post!

Morgan the Muse said...

Well, that was enlightening. Seriously.

Morgan the Muse said...

Well, that was enlightening. Seriously.

Cora said...

Ha ha! Now that's a funny picture. :-) However, nah, I didn't mind birds as a kid. In fact, I thought they were pretty cool. Ever been to Trafalgar Square? Pigeons are everywhere! I loved that. And I remember holding a little bowl of bread crumbs on top of my head there at about 5 years old, hoping a bird would land on my head! Then my mom caught me at it. And that was the end of that.

The bird-disgust started when I was about 14. My sister got pooped on by a bird while we were on a boat and we had to wait to wash it off her for some reason. By the time we could clean her up, it was dried all over her! I spent the rest of the day looking up, trying to avoid standing under birds. Follow that up with a few episodes of birds flying around houses I was in at the time, and, taa-daa, I started hating them.

Scope said...

Cora - As a matter of fact, "Yes", I have been to Trafalgar Square, twice. Here's a shot I liked, just wish it wasn't so blurry. [LINK] There were not pigeons out that night, but when I was through there during the day, I saw people pouring bird seed upon themselve. (And I "You're the people that give 'Tourists' a bad name.")

A couple of my other England pix are in the photo-gallery, "Oh the places you'll go" near the bottom of my sidebar.

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