2009-01-15

Flying Monkeys: Part I

It is with deep regret that SCOPE-TECH announces the suspension of current phase of our flying monkey project. We do not consider this a failure, but rather a chance to take the valuable lessons learned with this project and reapply them to future projects.

Fear not. We are not getting out of the monkey business.

The lessons we learned from this first false step include:

1) Gene modifications to provide wings to the test subjects worked, but did not prove viable.

2) They only seemed to answer to the name 'Cornelius'.

3) Scarecrows sent them into violent destructive fits of rage. So did music by the band Toto. But then, who doesn't go into a bit of rage when they hear that 'Africa' song?

4) While it was okay to feed him after midnight, special care was needed to avoid getting them wet. (Have you ever smelled a wet monkey?!?)

5) They wouldn't do our bidding. They would only do our EVIL bidding.

6) They would attempt to mate with flying squirrels. Results of inter-species breeding unknown.

7) They should not be allowed to drive after even one banana daiquiri. They just can't hold their liquor.

8) Due to the spliced pigeon DNA & natural simian tendencies, there is a heightened propensity for "aero-guano". This, though, led to the spinoff product, "Welshguard". (Lesser known than its Scottish rival, but just as effective. And not to be confused with "Welsh-Guard", a service we provide where we send two large Welsh guards to someone's home to keep them from reneging on a promise.)


We will keep you posted on further developments.

5 comments:

That damn expat said...

Tee hee hee.

Maybe I should donate my husband to the cause. He is not a monkey, but does genetics research.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Imagine the horror on Katie Cislo's face when she hears about these beasts being unleashed upon the land.

You just need to get yourself a golden hat. That'll help keep them in line...at least for the first three times.

Gwen said...

I applaud you for your scientific experimentation! I think, however, that a couple of your test subjects got out and formed a union.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I think I understand where your monkey obsession comes from-being the designated driver for a bunch of banana daiquiri smashed monkeys makes you sort of form a kinship with the beasts.

Alex Galvez said...

When I was a kid, those flyin' monkeys scared the bee-jeezus out of me. And then a few years later it was the Apes that terrified me and Charleston Heston. Damn Apes.