2009-01-01

Great Balls Of Fire!

This is an unintentional follow-up to a post from a few days ago. But Candy's talk about Aunt Flo yesterday made me have to counter with a time I was not feeling so fresh, "down there."

Back in high school, I played basketball, and one time, kinda tweaked the muscle on the inside of my thigh. So, before going to bed, I took a good three finger dip into the tub of Icy/Hot, and rubbed it into the problem area, pulled up my shorts, and went to bed.

I figure that when I was pulling up my shorts, some of the goo must have transferred from my leg to the shorts to my scrotum, because suddenly little beads of sweat formed on my upper lip as a mild burning sensation set in. As the intensity increased, my eyes started watering, and panic set in. I jumped up out of bed, and tried to scrape the burning acid from my sack. Remember the part about the "three finger dip"? Well, I hadn't washed that hand I guess, so I'm just applying more fuel to the fire. To make matters worse, as if the sensation of an Icy/Hot fire roasting your nuts wasn't bad enough, somehow, some of this demon gel managed to get on my urethra (pee hole), and start working its way down that one-way street!

Now in pure panic I run down to the shower and wash and wash and wash the effected area. After about 15 minutes and a good pee to flush the pipe (thank GOD I didn't get "stage fright"), the fire was out.
I went back to bed (wearing different shorts, of course), and in the morning, pitched the tub of Icy/Hot into the trash.

11 comments:

mike said...

Nothing like a good burning balls story to kick off the New Year. When I was in college I had friends who would intentionally put Gold Bond powder down there, to get a warm sensation. It actually works pretty good.

Happy 09, by the way.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAHAHAH!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!
I am sick enough to have LOVED that story!! HAHA! I'm still laughing...
Oh, I am so glad I could help conjure up such great memories!!

Happy New Year Scope!! Mike is right! Great way to start off the New Year!!

Gwen said...

Tough lesson but what a way to kick off 2009!

Alex Galvez said...

Yikes.....I always made sure my Icy/Hot tube was separate from my usual bottle of hand cream next to the bed-stand when I was a bachelor! In the dark, you do not want to make THAT mistake!

Sass said...

Maybe can you never say scrotum again? Thanks.

Once, in college, I had a really bad cold, so I got totally hooked on the kleenexes with the menthol in them.

I had been drinking, and was in the bathroom and ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped with the menthol kleenex.

Burn, baby, burn.

Wow.

You didn't need to know any of that, did you...

Ms. Florida Transplant said...

Hahahahaha... that's a great story!!

Cora said...

Oh my God, HILARIOUS!! I'm crying-laughing here!! Hee hee hee....

Cora said...

Oh, and to answer your question you left on my blog: nope, Santa did not leave me a stripper pole. Dammit. (sniffle). Maybe I wasn't a good girl in '08 after all. Or maybe he thought if he gave me one I would be bad in '09 and he was trying to do me a favor. I dunno. So, screw Santa, I'm gonna try to hit up the Easter Bunny for one now. I'll be hunting my backyard for a stripper pole Easter morning! The neighbors will be sooo pleased.

Scope said...

Mike – Obviously, after that incident, I'm a bit para-nads about anything that's supposed to provide a "gentle warming sensation."

Candy, Gwen, Ms. Florida Transplant, Cora – You are sick, sick people. That's why I love you.

Alex – I though it was weird back in college that you kept your trumpet valve oil on your bolster.

Sass – Sorry, I should have said, "glazed my KIWIs". Better? (Please, dear GOD, no one talk about putting whipped cream on their kiwis! The Management.)

Cora – Or maybe Santa read the warning on the side of the box about people with histories of spinal blood clots bigger than a Brussel sprout should avoid doing things like that. Curses! But if the E.B. does spring for one, I'm sure your male neighbors will be VERY happy. The female neighbor's? Not so much.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I would laugh a lot more at your story, but as luck would have it, I did the exact same thing once in high school after tweaking something in my thigh during a game. Except I did wash my hands, so I didn't have to flush the firehose, as it were. I just washed and switched shorts, and was more careful when reapplying the cream.

Egad. I feel for you, man.

Sassy Britches said...

Oh. my. god. BHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! And you said "scrotum." And "urethra." My ears will never bee the same.