2009-01-25

Flying Monkeys - Part V - Lemonade

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." That's what we at SCOPE-TECH were thinking when we turned what lesser companies would have viewed as a problem into a golden opportunity.

As part of our Flying Monkey programs, as with any manufacturing process, there is a degree of waste byproduct and units that for one reason or another do not pass our stringent quality control standards. Those with superior and compatible genetic make-ups are kept as breeding stock. (We refer to them as our "Prime Mates".) Others we are going to start offering to you, the public. [And "Yes" we know that apes aren't monkeys. We ARE a scientific think tank after all. Our genetic engineering and hybrid breeding program has blurred the distinctions between of apes & monkeys biologically in much the same way the distinction is blurred in the modern American psyche.]

These monkeys have had a large amount of expensive surgeries and training that would just be wasted if they fed into the monkey grinder and pureed into cat food or sold into the lucrative monkey paw industry. So we needed to decide what to do with them. We decided to split them into categories for marketing purposes: helper monkeys, hapless monkeys, and harmmer monkeys.

Each monkey comes with our three part guarantee. First, if you are unhappy with your monkey within the first 90 days, SCOPE-TECH will provide you a complete refund. This is our MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE. Secondly, due to a GPS transmitter wired into the central nervous system, any lost or AWOL ape can be tracked and returned to its owner. This is our MONKEY BACK GUARANTEE. And finally, due to hormones used to speed maturity, the monkeys do age rapidly. When your monkey becomes too old to properly perform its duties, you can trade it in as a down payment on a new model. This is our SILVERBACK GUARANTEE.

The helper monkeys aren't like traditional assistance animals like guide dogs or even like Homer's helper monkey, Mojo. These are specially bred/ hybrid/ genetically engineered simians with the intelligence of an 8 year old child. They'll answer your door or pay your bills. They can even be trained to do simple cooking (they make a mean banana cream pie). And they are experts at polishing your floor, washing your windows, and waxing your cars. One might say that they are proficient at monkey shines.

The hapless monkeys are more like regular monkeys, but less so. Think of them as the "short bus" riders of the group. They are sweet and kind and gentle. And they are very compatible with humans (which may be due to their baboon hearts). What they are not is quick witted, agile, or dexterous. They will provide endless amusement as they bump into things, fall down a lot, or when the get easily confused. We sell them equipped with their own special yellow helmets. But please, while it may be amusing, with their already diminished capacities, keep them off of the monkey bars if they've been hitting the banana daiquiris down at the Monkey Bar.

Our final group is the harmmer monkeys. Think "Furious George." These monkeys won't do your bidding, only your EVIL bidding. While expert in guerilla warfare, these jaded monkeys are a bit headstrong and don't follow orders well. Due to the dangers involved, we cannot sell them to just any Kwyjibo that comes down the pike. We'd prefer to sell them to corporations who want to throw a monkey wrench into competitor's operations or third world dictators looking to rule some portion of the world that doesn't impact SCOPE-TECH 's vital interests.

8 comments:

Ellie Mae said...

Lovin' it! Especially the monkey back guarantee and Furious George. In which dictionary did you find "harmmer"?

Scope said...

Dict-a-what? Oh, you know me. I love the English language because you can make up words (or if "harmmer" does exist, THINK you're making up words) to fit the occasion like this, and people still know exactly what you're talking about.

I had "helper" but needed the opposite. The opposite of "help" is "harm", and I wanted to keep the alliteration if possible, too.

mike said...

I love the idea of using a Harmmer Monkey to throw a "monkey wrench" into opposing companies. Do the Harmmer Monkeys come complete with their own wrenches? They should.

Lisa said...

Monkey back guarantee... that made the whole post. lmao

Ellie Mae said...

I know. Just giving you a hard time. Thanks for the laugh.

Cora said...

Love, love, love all this monkey business!!

Morgan the Muse said...

I am slightly confused by all this monkey business, myself. :/

Scope said...

Mike - The Harmmer Monkeys will steal one of your wrenches to do their dirty deeds. That's how they roll.

Lisa - Glad you enjoyed it. Sometimes it's a long, long walk for the payoff jokes.

Cora - Glad you enjoyed. Sometimes you get your monkeys for nothing and your chimps for free (I want my MTV)

Morgan - Then you'll be glad to hear that at least for the moment, I'm out of Flying Monkey material.