Male Restroom Etiquette

SouthernBelle started it. Please read her, first. Today, while at a urinal, my Blackberry went off. It was ignored until after the hand washing, and I had cleared to interior door and was in the vestibule.

No talking is allowed*. You may not even make eye contact. Any conversation that was in progress is suspended while in the restroom. Mid-sentence. Mid-word. Hit 'PAUSE'. It can then resumed when you have left the restroom. Not at the sinks like certain degenerates believe. If accidental eye contact is made, the only acceptable response is "the nod."

If you find yourself in a stall without paper, you are NOT permitted to ask the neighbor to "spare a square." You must wait until such time as the restroom is empty, then Charlie Chaplin over to full stocked stall (WARNING: If you are caught, ritual suicide is your only out) or to sacrifice a sock or underwear to the greater good.

This video should clearly explain why using the facilities for any purpose other than those intended, is wrong, and my well lead to the end of civilization as we know it.

To see if you've learned anything from this lesson, please take the quiz posted

* If in a stall, it is acceptable to:

1) Provide a "courtesy flush" to someone in a neighboring stall to signal your presence, so they don't start bashing the banana like a deranged spider monkey.
2) Stomp your foot on the floor and howl as if it were coming out sideways to provide "comic relief." This must be followed by uttering "Corn, when did I have corn?" or "Look at all that blood! I'm gonna need a transfusion after that."
3) Yodel.


TishTash said...

Public restrooms cause me high anxiety. I just don't go anymore.

Dr Zibbs said...

What about taking a dump in the sink?

Srg said...

I was doing great until I read the part about corn. I now have a mess of tea all over my monitor.

Isn't there also a "one empty urinal between you and the next guy" rule too?

Scope said...

That rule is fully detailed in the video and in the game. Neither would be safe for work.

See what happens when sociopaths like the two in the video break the rule.

Also, at my office, there are only 3 urinals, and the one on the left is the "short" urinal. You are only 2/3 of a man while using the shortie, so that adds complexity to the urinal rule.

SouthernBelle said...

Scope, you are a genius, I love it.

~E said...

Yet again I'm so very glad I'm a girl. Stuff like restroom etiquette and personal hygiene just seems to be ingrained in us.

Cora said...

Ha ha ha! Soooo glad I'm a girl! We have different restroom rules. Actually just one: flush when you're done. Pretty much anything else goes. We'll strike up conversations in there, no problem. I've even seen other women changing their clothes outside of the stalls in plain view of everone else, and, again, it's not a big deal. It's just a bathroom, guys!

However, I must say that video is fantastic, Scope! Jesus and the "butt pudding" had me crying with laughter here!

If I ever find myself in a Men's room, I will remember these rules for sure. Although I'll wait for a stall and pass on the urinals. I mean, I'm a talented girl and all, but I'm not THAT talented, okay?

SkylersDad said...

Came over on Cora's recommendation, this was excellent!