2009-01-24

Flying Monkeys: Part IV - Sea Monkeys

In our continuing efforts to enhance the efficiency and effectiveness of our simian strike forces, the directors of SCOPE-TECH's Hostile Acquisition Takeover Enterprises Division* has noticed a glaring oversight. While our forces are designed and trained to operate in small units in guerillas warfare as opposed to major combat as a standing (upright) army in both the airborne and terrestrial environments, we lacked a force suitable for EVERY ENVIRONMENT: Sea, Land, & Air. Thus, we created our own Sea, Land, & Air Primates, or the S.L.A.P. squad. But, since the members prefer to run around in their off hour in crowns and fur trimmed velvet capes, we prefer to call them the "Sea Monkeys."

Achieving R&D synergy with the
Flying Monkey 2.0 program, the Sea Monkeys replace the FM 2.0 jetpack and helmet with scuba tanks and underwater propulsion units. The helmets also include active and passive sonar. Our first attempt at stealthy sonar absorbing suits failed when some lunkhead tried to use the waffled foam rubber found in recording studios. The apes bobbed helplessly on the surface. That technician… is no longer with us.

Our second generation model includes anti-noise generators that sample the ping of a radar, and the noise generated by the propulsion units, and emits a sound wave of the same frequency and amplitude, but out of phase with the original, thus canceling it out. (Like these sweet ones from
Bose.) It can also generate a dozen simulated radar returns, thus making a small force seem overpoweringly larger.

And despite what you may have learned from watching that bad Mark Wahlberg "
Planet Of The Apes" (a.k.a. "Marky Mark and the Monkey Bunch") movie, many species of primate do not fear the water. Others are a bit more like teenage girls, they will hang out by the water, but don't want to get wet. We solved this problem by giving our unit full body high and tight buzz cuts. The hair didn't really hamper their swimming too much, but it did have two drawbacks: We kept burning out hairdryers trying to dry them out. And have you ever smelled wet monkey?!?

I'd tell you to watch out for our Sea Monkeys on covert missions in your area, but if you do see them, then it's already too late for you.


*The "Hostile Acquisition Takeover Enterprises Division" (H.A.T.E.D.) was formerly known as the "Mergers & Acquisitions Department." The name change was effected to more properly reflect the prevailing mood & perceptions of this small band of Hessians.

5 comments:

Morgan the Muse said...

I am... well... what can I say? They sound intimidating?

MelO said...

waitaminute... waitaminute... waitjustaminute!

The Real Live-Pets You Can GROW?!?

MelO said...

We always called THAT kind of 'pet' something ELSE!!! bwaaaa ha ha ha ha ha

Cora said...

Yeah, I'm with MelO. Well, not physically....

Scope said...

Morgan - To borrow a phrase from your generation that is SO outdated, "That's what SHE said!"

MelO & Cora - Scope-Tech will not comment on what grows when attractive redheads discuss "petting".