* This interview was pre-recorded. Due to security reasons, it had to wait to be published until the new administration took power.
Cartoon Bears "Pigged Out"Before Hibernation Fest '08
Care Bears not invited after last year's My Little Pony incident.
Jellystone Park - Several cartoon bears have been spotted on what some observers describe as a "furry feeding frenzy" as they attempt to fatten up for this year's hibernation. "This is typical bear-havior," said Ranger Smith. "Every fall, they go on an overeating orgy trying to fatten up for the winter."
The group's spokes bear, Boris the Bear, agreed to talk to SCOPE-TECH about this event. "Since I've been basically hibernating since they canceled my comic book back in 1990, I don't need to feed like those other guys. Also, being a robot helps, too." He went on to say that the bears basically broke down into two groups, "the Foodies" and "the Drinkies".
The Foodies include Yogi & Boo-Boo, Winnie the Pooh, and Sugar Bear. "That Yogi is a true omnivore. He'll eat anything is a pic-a-nic basket. Winnie is a "show me the honey" kind of guy. And I think Sugar Bear's dietary habits are well documented."
The Drinkies include the Hamms Beer Bear & the Hillbilly Bears. "While the Hillbilly Bears are easily confused with the Country Bears, the HB's are animated while the CB's are animatronics. But they both have a shine for 'shine!" Boris said of the similar offerings from Disney & Hanna-Barbera. "And that Hamms Beer Bear, being a true Minnesotan, really loves his lutefisk, and any food on a stick."
When asked about another bear seen prowlin' and a growlin' and a sniffin' the air, Boris referred to him as "the Smokey". "He's just looking to bum a cigarette from someone. Talk about playing up your misfortune for cash. His forest burns down, and he gets a cushy, do nothing, government job. When was the last time you was him working?"
"But I don't think that any of this will work anyhow," Boris concluded. "I mean, they can get wider and all, but as 2-D cartoon characters, they can't really get fat."
According to Boris, the Care Bears were not allowed to participate in this year's Hibernation Fest activities, held at Jellystone Park. "My feelings toward cute comic animals is well documented. And after getting their punk butts kick by a herd of My Little Ponies last year, we found a better job for them. They are digging new hibernation caves. I guess you could call them Ursa Miners!"