Flying Monkeys: Part I

It is with deep regret that SCOPE-TECH announces the suspension of current phase of our flying monkey project. We do not consider this a failure, but rather a chance to take the valuable lessons learned with this project and reapply them to future projects.

Fear not. We are not getting out of the monkey business.

The lessons we learned from this first false step include:

1) Gene modifications to provide wings to the test subjects worked, but did not prove viable.

2) They only seemed to answer to the name 'Cornelius'.

3) Scarecrows sent them into violent destructive fits of rage. So did music by the band Toto. But then, who doesn't go into a bit of rage when they hear that 'Africa' song?

4) While it was okay to feed him after midnight, special care was needed to avoid getting them wet. (Have you ever smelled a wet monkey?!?)

5) They wouldn't do our bidding. They would only do our EVIL bidding.

6) They would attempt to mate with flying squirrels. Results of inter-species breeding unknown.

7) They should not be allowed to drive after even one banana daiquiri. They just can't hold their liquor.

8) Due to the spliced pigeon DNA & natural simian tendencies, there is a heightened propensity for "aero-guano". This, though, led to the spinoff product, "Welshguard". (Lesser known than its Scottish rival, but just as effective. And not to be confused with "Welsh-Guard", a service we provide where we send two large Welsh guards to someone's home to keep them from reneging on a promise.)

We will keep you posted on further developments.